When I was little, my family nicknamed me “Cautious Clem”.
I didn’t like to walk on the hardwood floor in just my socks (what if I slipped?), I was the only kid on the cul-de-sac who begged for one of those tall, orange flags to tether to the back of my bike’s banana seat (to make sure cars could see me!), and from about the age of 10, I’ve toted around my own fully stocked first aid kit (You know, just in case).
You can’t be too careful. (No seriously, you can’t!)
So it will come as no surprise to anyone that when I saw the following pin pop up on Pinterest, it was all I could do to keep from shouting… TAKE MY MONEY NOW!!!!
Pinterest Nightmare #593: The Emergency Face Mask Bra
As pinned from ebbra.bigcartel.com
It’s The Emergency Face Mask Bra! By day it sits under your sweaters keeping the girls lifted and separated, but in the event of an airborne pathogen attack thanks to it’s special lining it becomes TWO GAS MASKS!!
Who knew that Victoria’s Secret was …she can SAVE YOUR LIFE??!!
Imagine the scenario…You and your man are taking a nice stroll down the beach at sunset. You catch a whiff of ebola virus in the air. Three undergarment adjustments later and BAM…YOUR BRA SAVES BOTH OF YOU.
Thank you Emergency Face Mask Bra! (And no, it did not escape my attention that lady above is cavorting in public wearing only her bra, rendering herself topless when she needs to spring into action. No wonder her companion looks so pleased to be facing a respiratory assault. They must be European.)
For only $29.99, The Emergency Face Mask Bra will provide you with excellent support as well as two cups worth of pulmonary security! A mere $20 upgrade also gets you a patented brassiere radiation sensor so you know how fast you need to be running away from high energy gamma rays.
Since my breasts haven’t really done anything truly constructive since I stopped nursing, you can imagine how excited I was to get them back into the action! But wait, the Emergency Face Mask Bra only comes in sizes 32B-44D.
Caution Clem says WHAT????
I’m guessing that A cups are too small to provide adequate protection, and giant DD cups like mine would swallow someone’s face whole, rendering them unable to see in the event of emergency. (As if we girls on either end of the bell curve needed any further evidence that we can’t catch a break. *sob*)
Happy summer everyone! We are back again with some exciting news!
Yesterday, “Telling it like it is” went viral. Can you believe it?!
Yes, that’s been our tagline FOREVER right there in our header, but suddenly yesterday the world decided to sit up and take notice of it. Our blog hits went through the roof from searches for our tagline! We’ve always known it was a great phrase, but now we have proof! It’s so nice to be appreciated! *happy sob*
Then we turned on the TV.
WHAT THE HELL?!?!? CHRIS CHRISTIE STOLE OUR TAGLINE!
Yep, it seems that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is running for president and his campaign slogan is “Telling it like it is”.
Well, well, well…doesn’t that look familiar!
They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery-and CLEARLY he must be a fan and reader (Hi, Chris!)-but we feel a little bit irked just the same.
I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. We did start the *almost* successful grassroots campaign to install Arie as the next star of The Bachelor. When you add that to the fact that we single handedly DOUBLED the number of Nubrellas sold from one to two after featuring them as a Pinterest Nightmare, it was almost a given that the mainstream would inevitably start paying attention. We are trendsetters. We just have to accept it.
Still, we are kicking ourselves for not trademarking our nifty little tagline when we had the chance so we could get in on this action. Maybe we could retroactively trade mark it? Is that a thing? We think that might be a thing!
Apparently it’s NOT a thing. And even if it were, we would be out of luck. The attorneys at our home office have assured us that Governor Christie’s slogan is completely different from ours. You see, we “Tell it like it is” and he is “Telling it like it is”.
WHAT? That’s totally the same, right? NOPE!
The wisest legal minds our money could buy (i.e. a quick, free search on LegalZoom.com paired with knowledge from watching over 200 episodes of Law and Order) tell us that adding “ing” means it’s different. It’s a loophole…the ING-loophole, or as we around the Dose HQ have started calling it “ING-Gate”. Politicians always find a way to stick it to you, dammit!
So, since we have no legal recourse (and no moral or ethical leg to stand on, either) we have decided to forgo asking for monetary compensation. We can really only ask for him to do one thing in return.
No, we aren’t demanding that he change his banner to:
Our request is really quite simple.
Should Governor Christie become President Christie, we fully expect to be named Co-Czars of Reality TV for the length of his administration. Some might say that should even be elevated to a Cabinet post, but we will not be greedy. If that’s not doable, we would totally settle on Ambassadors to Starbucks.
Until then, we’ll be right here to TELL it like it is…and trying on potential outfits for our Senate confirmation hearings just in case.
There are moments in life that you know you will never forget.
As they are happening, you find yourself really aware that you are living something that will (most likely) never happen again.
The once in a lifetime opportunities.
On Wednesday, April 15th, 2015, I found myself experiencing one of those “please don’t wake up and have this all have been a dream” moments thanks to Blog Her and She Knows Media.
This is the story of that time I met The President of the United States.
The day itself started off like any other, in that I rose before the sun and got ready for work. I will admit to spending a bit more time than usual on my hair, as I hoped that with enough mousse and curling iron action I would be able to distract The President from my multiplying by the second gray roots. There was, however, no hope of hiding my Bert from Sesame Street eyebrows, so I took that as a reminder from the universe that I should stop ignoring eyebrow care from here on out.
After spending the morning at my office, where I took a brief break from working to be interviewed for the news…yep, it was every bit as crazy as you would imagine, I headed off to the Obama Town Hall.
My ticket
We all gathered in the library where the event was being held for about an hour and a half before President Obama arrived. It was the perfect amount of time to enjoy all of the music playing that instantly took me back to the campaign days of 2008. Think Signed, Sealed, Delivered and City of Blinding Lights, and you get the idea. I visited with other bloggers around me (Hi Jen, Towanda and Nichole!) and tried really hard not to cry.
See, I knew as I sat there in that space that there was no one, NO ONE, who would have loved this experience for me more than my mom. It is because of my mother that I am passionate about politics, as I accompanied her to vote for the first time when I was just 2 months old and never missed an election day with her until I went to college (and even then we would stay up late talking on the phone as we watched the election results come in). My mother absolutely loved political discussions, and she loved Barack Obama. I could pratically hear her as I sat there waiting telling me that when it was all over I better remember every minute because she would want to know every single detail, and she would absolutely mean EVERY.SINGLE.DETAIL.
And then I kind of had a peaceful calm come over me as the straining notes of another round of City of Blinding Lights began where I could almost just feel her there, reminding me that I had this. That imaginary tap on the shoulder to say “enjoy every second and use this opportunity to make your daughters proud of you”.
Soon after, there was an announcement that we needed to silence our cell phones and prepare for the program to begin.
And just like that, The President of the United States walked in, inches away from me.
Well, hello, there Mr. President!
The President spoke to all of us, completely candidly, without notes or a teleprompter for a little over an hour. It was quite obvious sitting there listening to him that he, like those of us in the room, feels passionately about women being paid the same as men for equal work. He has a personal stake in this cause, as he himself has daughters. I was extremely impressed both with his knowledge base and his ability to connect with our audience.
And the issues being discussed, especially those related to equal pay for equal work? Those issues aren’t political. They have nothing to do with being a Republican or a Democrat. They are about being just and being fair.
At the end of the event, there was time for one more question, and y’all, that question went to me.
I got a chance to ask The President of the United States the question I had prepared:
As the mother of two daughters, how do you suggest I best empower them if they will be paid less than a male counterpart with the same skill set and the same background?
This is what The President said to me:
“You’ve got to remind your daughters that things are not perfectly fair, but people who work hard can make it fair…The way things get better is by that next generation taking ownership and being inspired…We want them to feel like the world is wide open to you, you can remake this thing, ultimately at some point you guys are going to be in charge. And so we want to not send a message to them that somehow they’re limited. We want to tell them what I tell Melia and Sasha, there’s nothing you can’t do.”
And with that, the event was over. The President headed over to me first (probably because he had just finished answering my question) and shook my hand. I thanked him for coming and for the honor of getting a chance to speak with him. He told me to keep working hard as a nurse and that The White House loves nurses.
I stayed after it was over for a little while doing a few interviews, chatting with bloggers and thanking Lisa Stone for being an amazing moderator.
My only regret of the day (besides the lack of eyebrow waxing) was not somehow managing to tell The President that for the first 5 years of her life Abby called him “Barack Omama”, as I think he would have enjoyed that little anecdote.
It is honestly hard still as I sit here writing this to put into words what this experience meant to me, as a mom, as a woman and as an American.
I will say simply that I am forever grateful and beyond humbled to have been given this truly once in a lifetime opportunity.
Gosh, we miss y’all! Seriously, guys, we really, really do.
It is definitely not you. It is us. Since we last posted to say we weren’t really posting, we have been trying each and every day to get back here to say hi, but stupid life keeps getting in our way!
This week brought that opportunity in a MAJOR way, and we had to share it with our favorite people…we tried our kids, but they were all, blah, blah, blah, dinner, where are my shoes, help me with my homework. We knew that the only people who would really appreciate it would be you guys!
So, okay, here is the deal. As women and mothers of daughters, we take very seriously the fact that there is pay inequality in this country. Knowing that Ashley recently returned to the health care workforce and quickly found out that even in that female dominated industry, male nurses are still paid more brings the issue extra close to home. Something has to change, right?
Today we have been invited to use our voices to help effect change for working women everywhere. Unfortunately, due to a bum ankle and the lack of availability of a Rascal electric scooter, Lisa has to miss out on the fun (and a total double whammy is that it is also her birthday!!), but Ashley will try her best to bring full Dose Girl enthusiasm!
Thanks to BlogHer, Ashley is attending the Town Hall Meeting with President Barack Obama in Charlotte, NC this afternoon!
It is okay if you need to take a minute to process this.
This is a link that will give you all the scoop on what is happening and also let you watch online if you choose. Ashley promises not to embarrass herself too much, although she does not rule out asking President Obama to lead the crowd in a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday” to Lisa in her absence.
Here is the question we have for President Obama today: As mothers of daughters, how would he suggest we empower them to study and work hard if they know from the outset that they will be earning less than their male counterparts with the same education and skill set?
