It finally happened. I got Ashley to watch Duck Dynasty.

 

At my house we’ve been enjoying this show for several seasons. Lucy even read Si’s very own Si-cology I: Tales and Wisdom From Duck Dynasty’s Favorite Uncle book last month. You know her teacher was impressed to see *that* on her 4th grade reading log!

 

 

As is the way with our marathon phone calls very important blog meetings, it sparked an interesting conversation…

Lisa: Don’t you just love the show? Who is your favorite?

Ashley: Obviously, I love *all* the guys, but MAN…I’d kill to look like Korie.

Lisa: Korie’s beautiful, but what about Missy? She sings from time to time and she has awesome accessories.

Ashley: There are both total MILFs. I’d love to be a MILF like them.

Lisa: They are milks? What?

Ashley: No, MILFs. Duh.

Lisa: MILFs? What’s a MILFs?

Ashley: IT’S MILF, LISA, M-I-L-F. Mother I‘d Like to…um…Fool around with. You know…HOT!

Lisa: How clever!! Did you make that up?

Ashley: No. Everyone knows that.

Lisa: Oh, huh. Well, you *are* hot. You must be a MILF!

Ashley: You know I don’t mean perimenopausal kind of hot, right? I mean HOT hot. A MILF has to have it going on.

Lisa: I think you have that.

Ashley: Um, that’s sweet, but I don’t think you’re the best judge. You didn’t even know what a MILF was.

Lisa: Well, how do you know if you’re a MILF then?

That was a poser. How *do* you know if you’re a MILF? We thought about it long and hard.(Mostly because we had two hours before we had to go to carpool.) After much contemplation, we devised these ten foolproof criteria to let you know if you’re a MILF:

…your bras are all full coverage with padded straps and the 5 hook closure configuration. Your boobs come pre-flattened making your yearly mammograms a breeze.

…your perfume is no longer Calvin Klein’s Obsession. It’s now a combination of OFF and hand sanitizer.

…you have spider veins to enhance your legs. All gams look hotter with a little bit of color, even if the color is purple.

…you have glorious stretch marks—or as professional MILFs like to call them…racing stripes! Vroom vroom!

…you don’t have to pay a fancy salon for your highlights. You’ve got nature working on your side! It doesn’t get any lighter than grey, baby!

…when you remove your tube socks to switch to Crocs, you have socks marks on cankles.

…you’ve mastered the art of perching your reading glasses on the tip of your nose so you can see both far away and close up. Take that Benjamin Franklin.

…you know you don’t have to settle for picking and choosing. You’ve got both acne AND wrinkles. You can have it all!

…your underwear drawer no long sports hipsters, bikinis, or thongs. Now you’ve got granny panties peaking out of your low cut jeans.

…you are holding a cup of Activia right now. MILFs have better attitudes when they’re regular.

If you answered “yes” to:

0-2 You are reading this while wearing a bikini, aren’t you?

3-5 You’re almost there! Try trading your silk lingerie for a flannel nightgown and knee socks.

6-9 You’ve done it, baby! You’re a MILF!! Whoo Hoo!

10 You are one of the Dose Girls.

That was enlightening! How did you do?! We didn’t have time to properly celebrate our mega MILF status. We only had a few moments to brush the Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano crumbs off our yoga pants and reapply our Balmex before we had to head out to carpool.

As you gloat over your own ranking (or sulk as you wait for your MILFdom to arrive), we’ll leave you with a short video tribute *we made* to MILFs. Enjoy!