MuppetPeltFashion Archives - The Dose of Reality

We Are Coming Out Of The Closet

Posted on April 2, 2014 by The Dose of Reality

We are coming out of the closet today. And once you see the inside of our closets, you will know why!

Every woman on the planet knows what it is like to have clothes of varying sizes in her closet. You know the ones that you think to yourself, “One day, one day I will get back into those jeans.” And then there are the ones that you keep around for when you have had too much pie at Thanksgiving. We get it. We are no exception.

What we recently realized is that we have clothes in our closets that, no matter our current sizing, we would NEVER, EVER wear again. Actually, no one should be wearing them. Ever. Anywhere.

We were talking on the phone when we made the discovery. It didn’t take long for us to realize we were lucky we’d never been featured in the back of Glamour magazine with one of those Fashion Don’t black bars across our faces:

Ashley: I am going to get a couple things together to show you. But are you sure we want to expose our lack of fashion sense to the whole, entire world?

Lisa:Sure. Our readers already know we wear mostly yoga pants with clogs to carpool.

Ashley: I don’t know, but I’ll go get my camera.

Lisa: Me, too. Oh God, I think I’ve found at least one thing. Brace yourself, I am about to send you a picture of something.

Ashley: Oh my. Wow. Is that… a jacket?

Lisa: Yes, it is a jacket. I used to wear it with jeans and a white blouse. Can you tell from the picture that it looks like it was made from Muppet fur?

Ashley: You wore that? In public?

Lisa: Yes, otherwise the Muppets would have died in vain.

Ashley: I’m not sure I can top that, but I think I found my first entry. I am going to send you a picture right now of a blazer (Does anyone even use that term anymore?). It is definitely a doozy.

Lisa: Wait a minute, is that velvet?

Ashley: Indeed it is. And did you notice the fashionable double pocket?

Lisa: In what world does a hot pink, double pocketed, velvet blazer not beat a Muppet pelt jacket?

Ashley: Hey, at least the tag is still in it. I never actually wore it.

Lisa: Whatever you have to say to yourself to get you through the night….

Lisa: What about this dress? Do you think it’s awful enough?

Ashley: Um, yes. Yes, I do. Are those flowers on that thing? I definitely like the layered look of it best. Kind of a day to night deal, huh?

Lisa: I wore it to my brother-in-law’s wedding. The grandmother of the bride wouldn’t even have considered that if she saw it on the rack. What was I? 80?

Ashley: Maybe great grandmother of the bride….if she was also half blind. It almost looks like the material could be a chair cover.

Lisa: Yeah, if you hated the chair.

Ashley: I had a few of those types of dresses, too. Let me see if I can find my favorite. And keep in mind, I wore this a lot. And not in like 1992, but more like 2002.

Lisa: Is that oatmeal colored?

Ashley: Try gold baby. And I had no business attempting to wear a long dress like that. I am short for God’s sake. I think I even wore it to a Broadway show once.

Lisa: It really looks more oatmeal-ish to me. I love oatmeal…but not to wear.

Lisa: Okay, brace yourself for the next picture. You might want to sit down. These pants I am showing you were *my* go-to dress-up for shows pants. I wore them every time we went somewhere and I wanted to look good. I LOVED these pants. And I think that photo makes them look short. I don’t think I’m that short!

Ashley: I think The Cosby Show called and wants their wardrobe back! Those are awesome. And you are totally that short. I wonder if they would go with this sweater?

Lisa: My eyes, my eyes! You should really warn a person before you try to blind them with colors and sparkles like that.

Ashley: Right? Isn’t it just atrocious? You know what I think is crazy here? All of our horrible items make us look three times our age. What is wrong with us?

Lisa: You mean like this shirt? Back off Memaw, I saw it first!

Ashley: I’ve got one of those, too! Seriously, why would either of us ever even consider putting those on our bodies?

Lisa: Let me show this little number. I hope the picture does it justice. It is now my turn to say that the tags are still in it (thank God).

Ashley: Is that some gold lamé, I spy? Hahahahahaha! See, isn’t it nice to be able to say the tags are still in it?

Lisa: Yes. I regret mocking you for saying that about your velvet blazer now.

Ashley: I have to say, this one might be the worst of all. It’s a mu mu. And I am totally embarrassed to admit that I wore this as recently as last summer. LAST SUMMER, LISA!!!

Lisa: Oh, it’s like a mini mu mu, my friend…a mini mu mu! I didn’t know those existed. You know what? It was really hot last summer. I think you get a pass for extreme heat.

Ashley: You are sweet to try to make me feel better. I know it’s horrible. Why did I ever wear this?

Lisa: Heat does things to our minds. And the kids are home from school. It’s a bad combination.

Ashley: I was just trying to stay cool…even if I didn’t look it!

So, it turns out it was easy to find 10 things in our closet that should never see the light of day again. Make us feel better…do you have an outfit or two that would get you arrested by the fashion police, too?

Top 10 Ways We Waste 30 Minutes Every Day

Posted on April 21, 2013 by The Dose of Reality

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Since we are unlucky enough to own actual watches, which tell us exactly how much time we waste each day, we can’t even deny it. If we could somehow bottle all the time it takes us to do certain tasks, we would probably have time to ~~watch more reality TV~~ clean our homes.

When we saw that the Listicle topic for the week was Top 10 Ways To Spend 30 Minutes, we decided to have fun with it. We could certainly think of plenty of ways we would *want* to spend 30 minutes, but unfortunately our ability to waste time precludes us from that. Instead, we are sharing with you the Top 10 Ways We Waste 30 Minutes Every Day.

#1 Finding The Pink Socks:

Lucy enjoys one specific pair of pink socks that perfectly match her favorite skirt. No problem, right? Because, hello, they are socks…they should be in the sock drawer, right? Except if you are Lisa, in which case you have a very intricate laundry “system” that requires a bit more time to procure your desired item.

#2 Blog Meetings:

We do not intentionally set out to derail our days with blog meetings and phone calls…in fact, we consider them quite productive (ish). However, we have come to realize that every time one of us says “I only have a quick question. It will just take a second…” that is a 30 minute call. When one of us says, “Did you think Adam was right when he sent that girl home on last night’s Battle Round of The Voice?”…that is an hour long call. We have our own code.

#3 Candy Crush:

Are you playing this game yet? If not, we don’t recommend that you start. Or maybe we do recommend it, so you can be available to send us some new lives! This is pure time suckage at its best. Ashley cannot seem to get past level 79 and is pretty much willing to spend hours a day trying. She even got Lisa totally hooked and Lisa hates computer games that aren’t word based. Hey, y’all, that candy isn’t going to crush itself.

#4 Sitting in carpool line:

School may be out at 3:00 p.m. but if we show up at 2:59 p.m. (which according to our clocks would technically be early), our kids are already crying and being taken to the office because we were late. Why? Every other mother shows up at 2:30 p.m. Being there on time means you were late…loser.

#5 Planning fun activities:

We genuinely attempt to give our children fun experiences. It takes hours of work and loads of money. For that effort, we get almost zero appreciation. Because they are the “fun parents”, the kids think their dads are responsible for all of the fun things that we do. Happens every time.

#6 Deciding what to wear:

Some people take a long time getting dressed each day, because they have so many amazing wardrobe choices to pick from. We feel their pain, in an opposite problem kind of way. If you had closets that look like ours, you’d have trouble deciding what to wear, too. This is why we always default to yoga pants.

#7 Cleaning Out The Cat Box and/or Shoveling The Backyard:

Every good pet owner knows that it is not all snuggles on the couch and playing Frisbee with your furry friend. There is actual work to be done. After all, someone has to scoop out the poop, and no one is standing in line for that job. Looks like mom is up…again.

#8 Taking Some Personal Time:

You know, like getting a pedicure. Or grabbing a facial. Perhaps, we are relaxing during a nice massage. HA HA HA! We never get to do this! We just making sure you were paying attention!

#9 Purse Management:

Our purses can get quite heavy, so when you carry around as many things as we do, you have to reorganize often. Whether it be replenishing your supply of Wet Wipes, or double checking the expiration date on your Bugles, managing our purses can be quite a time commitment.

#10 Watching The Arie Kissing Video 7 Times In A Row:

Let’s be honest now. We don’t even really consider this a time waster. Instead, we consider it time well spent. Or work as we like to call it here on the blog. And please…as if you could turn it off after just one viewing.

Top 10 Reasons We Can Never Be The Fashion Police

Posted on January 20, 2013 by The Dose of Reality