Tag Archives: MILF

You Know You’re A MILF When…

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It finally happened. After several months of begging and pleading, I got Ashley to watch Nashville.

I been enjoying this show for several seasons. I’m not even a big country music fan, but I cannot get enough of this show!

As is the way with our marathon phone calls very important blog meetings, it sparked an interesting conversation…

Lisa: Don’t you just love the show? Who is your favorite?

Ashley: Obviously, I love *all* the guys, but MAN…I’d kill to look like Scarlett.

Lisa: It’s the hair, right? She’s beautiful, but what about Rayna? I’ve loved her ever since she was Mrs. Coach Taylor. Of course she’s got the hair, too.

Ashley: Oh, she’s a total MILF.

Lisa: She’s a milk? What?

Ashley: No, MILF. Duh.

Lisa: MILT? What’s a MILT?

Ashley: IT’S MILF, LISA, M-I-L-F. Mother I‘d Like to…um…Fool around with. You know…HOT!

Lisa: How clever!! Did you make that up?

Ashley: No. Everyone knows that.

Lisa: Oh, huh. Well, you *are* hot. You must be a MILF!

Ashley: You know I don’t mean perimenopausal kind of hot, right? I mean HOT hot. A MILF has to have it going on.

Lisa: I think you have that.

Ashley: Um, that’s sweet, but I don’t think you’re the best judge. You didn’t even know what a MILF was.

Lisa: Well, how do you know if you’re a MILF then?

That was a poser. How *do* you know if you’re a MILF? We thought about it long and hard.(Mostly because we had two hours before we had to go to carpool.) After much contemplation, we devised these ten foolproof criteria to let you know if you’re a MILF:

MILF graphic

…your bras are all full coverage with padded straps and the 5 hook closure configuration. Your boobs come pre-flattened making your yearly mammograms a breeze.

…your perfume is no longer Calvin Klein’s Obsession. It’s now a combination of OFF and hand sanitizer.

…you have spider veins to enhance your legs. All gams look hotter with a little bit of color, even if the color is purple.

…you have glorious stretch marks—or as professional MILFs like to call them…racing stripes! Vroom vroom!

…you don’t have to pay a fancy salon for your highlights. You’ve got nature working on your side! It doesn’t get any lighter than grey, baby!

…when you remove your tube socks to switch to Crocs, you have socks marks on cankles.

…you’ve mastered the art of perching your reading glasses on the tip of your nose so you can see both far away and close up. Take that Benjamin Franklin.

…you know you don’t have to settle for picking and choosing. You’ve got both acne AND wrinkles. You can have it all!

…your underwear drawer no long sports hipsters, bikinis, or thongs. Now you’ve got granny panties peaking out of your low cut jeans.

…you are holding a cup of Activia right now. MILFs have better attitudes when they’re regular.

If you answered “yes” to:

0-2 You are reading this while wearing a bikini, aren’t you?

3-5 You’re almost there! Try trading your silk lingerie for a flannel nightgown and knee socks.

6-9 You’ve done it, baby! You’re a MILF!! Whoo Hoo!

10 You are one of the Dose Girls.

That was enlightening! How did you do?! We didn’t have time to properly celebrate our mega MILF status. We only had a few moments to brush the Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano crumbs off our yoga pants and reapply our Balmex before we had to head out to carpool.

As you gloat over your own ranking (or sulk as you wait for your MILFdom to arrive), we’ll leave you with a short video tribute *we made* to MILFs. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Pinterest Nightmare #764: The Slobstopper

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Yesterday The Dose Girls took a detour to Starbucks before hitting the carpool line. I ordered my usual, a Decaf Grande Skinny Cinnamon Dulce Latte (3 Weight Watchers points), and Ashley got her beloved Venti Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate with Extra Whip and Double Chocolate Shavings (132 Weight Watchers points-don’t judge).

All was well until…SLOSH!

While waving her hands around to make a rather emphatic point about Wednesday’s episode of Survivor (How can she stand Tyson? GAH!), Ashley sloshed a large amount of cocoa down the front of her white t-shirt. My Tide Stain Stick was MIA, and all attempts to dab and wipe the brown stain away with water and napkins just made it worse.

Luckily it was a chilly day, so Ashley’s favorite long, robe-like sweater (our friend Cindy calls it a “swobe”) was on the scene. With a little tucking and pulling, Ashley was able to cinch the swobe tightly enough to cover her torso, avoiding any strange looks in the school pick up line. Whew!

But what would have happened if the swobe had been soiled, too? Would she have had to face the carpool line looking like she’d been on a Starbucks bender? The questions haunted us.

As happens so often, we found the perfect solution while on Pinterest.

BEHOLD!

Pinterest Nightmare #764: The Slobstopper

slob stopper photo

as pinned from otakku.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That royal blue fabric you are spying is the first full-body bib made exclusively for adults! It’s the Slobstopper! Thanks to two layers of high quality polyurethane laminate secured by a velcro tab, we grown-ups can now enjoy life without the hassle and pressure of trying to feed ourselves carefully!

Notice how the dude in the picture isn’t even trying to purse his lips around his coffee cup? Aiming for your mouth is for SUCKERS! He can just dump that cup of Joe right in his lap and keep on trucking. That’s what freedom taste like, friends.

Feast your eyes on the Slopstopper in action…

The mom in the video is no fool! She fastened on a Slobstopper the minute her offspring entered the minivan. She’s not even eating, but she knows that kids are filthy. They might just start hurling juice boxes in her direction or, even worse, try to hug her with their sticky little paws. *shiver* Thank goodness she is fully protected.

Not only is the Slobstopper useful for the car, it’s perfect for fine dining, too! Americans are getting ready to sidle up to the Thanksgiving table in a few weeks. If you have to take the time to carefully fork things into your mouth, your Uncle Bill is going to finish off the sweet potato casserole before you even have a crack at a second helping! But strap on a Slobstopper, and you’ll be running with the big dogs, baby. Fast and Furious won’t just be the next Vin Diesel blockbuster, it will be your Thanksgiving motto. Oh…sorry, Uncle John. That was the last of the gravy. And it was delicious.

But most importantly, now that we’ve discovered the Slobstopper, we can whip out this fetching accessory in the car or at Starbucks and unsightly stains are a thing of the past! The Dose Girls will be covered! (literally)

The Does of Slobstoppers

 

 

We’ll never be embarrassed again! Whoo Hoo!

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.