FashionPolice Archives - The Dose of Reality

We Are Coming Out Of The Closet

Posted on April 2, 2014 by The Dose of Reality

We are coming out of the closet today. And once you see the inside of our closets, you will know why!

Every woman on the planet knows what it is like to have clothes of varying sizes in her closet. You know the ones that you think to yourself, “One day, one day I will get back into those jeans.” And then there are the ones that you keep around for when you have had too much pie at Thanksgiving. We get it. We are no exception.

What we recently realized is that we have clothes in our closets that, no matter our current sizing, we would NEVER, EVER wear again. Actually, no one should be wearing them. Ever. Anywhere.

We were talking on the phone when we made the discovery. It didn’t take long for us to realize we were lucky we’d never been featured in the back of Glamour magazine with one of those Fashion Don’t black bars across our faces:

Ashley: I am going to get a couple things together to show you. But are you sure we want to expose our lack of fashion sense to the whole, entire world?

Lisa:Sure. Our readers already know we wear mostly yoga pants with clogs to carpool.

Ashley: I don’t know, but I’ll go get my camera.

Lisa: Me, too. Oh God, I think I’ve found at least one thing. Brace yourself, I am about to send you a picture of something.

Ashley: Oh my. Wow. Is that… a jacket?

Lisa: Yes, it is a jacket. I used to wear it with jeans and a white blouse. Can you tell from the picture that it looks like it was made from Muppet fur?

Ashley: You wore that? In public?

Lisa: Yes, otherwise the Muppets would have died in vain.

Ashley: I’m not sure I can top that, but I think I found my first entry. I am going to send you a picture right now of a blazer (Does anyone even use that term anymore?). It is definitely a doozy.

Lisa: Wait a minute, is that velvet?

Ashley: Indeed it is. And did you notice the fashionable double pocket?

Lisa: In what world does a hot pink, double pocketed, velvet blazer not beat a Muppet pelt jacket?

Ashley: Hey, at least the tag is still in it. I never actually wore it.

Lisa: Whatever you have to say to yourself to get you through the night….

Lisa: What about this dress? Do you think it’s awful enough?

Ashley: Um, yes. Yes, I do. Are those flowers on that thing? I definitely like the layered look of it best. Kind of a day to night deal, huh?

Lisa: I wore it to my brother-in-law’s wedding. The grandmother of the bride wouldn’t even have considered that if she saw it on the rack. What was I? 80?

Ashley: Maybe great grandmother of the bride….if she was also half blind. It almost looks like the material could be a chair cover.

Lisa: Yeah, if you hated the chair.

Ashley: I had a few of those types of dresses, too. Let me see if I can find my favorite. And keep in mind, I wore this a lot. And not in like 1992, but more like 2002.

Lisa: Is that oatmeal colored?

Ashley: Try gold baby. And I had no business attempting to wear a long dress like that. I am short for God’s sake. I think I even wore it to a Broadway show once.

Lisa: It really looks more oatmeal-ish to me. I love oatmeal…but not to wear.

Lisa: Okay, brace yourself for the next picture. You might want to sit down. These pants I am showing you were *my* go-to dress-up for shows pants. I wore them every time we went somewhere and I wanted to look good. I LOVED these pants. And I think that photo makes them look short. I don’t think I’m that short!

Ashley: I think The Cosby Show called and wants their wardrobe back! Those are awesome. And you are totally that short. I wonder if they would go with this sweater?

Lisa: My eyes, my eyes! You should really warn a person before you try to blind them with colors and sparkles like that.

Ashley: Right? Isn’t it just atrocious? You know what I think is crazy here? All of our horrible items make us look three times our age. What is wrong with us?

Lisa: You mean like this shirt? Back off Memaw, I saw it first!

Ashley: I’ve got one of those, too! Seriously, why would either of us ever even consider putting those on our bodies?

Lisa: Let me show this little number. I hope the picture does it justice. It is now my turn to say that the tags are still in it (thank God).

Ashley: Is that some gold lamé, I spy? Hahahahahaha! See, isn’t it nice to be able to say the tags are still in it?

Lisa: Yes. I regret mocking you for saying that about your velvet blazer now.

Ashley: I have to say, this one might be the worst of all. It’s a mu mu. And I am totally embarrassed to admit that I wore this as recently as last summer. LAST SUMMER, LISA!!!

Lisa: Oh, it’s like a mini mu mu, my friend…a mini mu mu! I didn’t know those existed. You know what? It was really hot last summer. I think you get a pass for extreme heat.

Ashley: You are sweet to try to make me feel better. I know it’s horrible. Why did I ever wear this?

Lisa: Heat does things to our minds. And the kids are home from school. It’s a bad combination.

Ashley: I was just trying to stay cool…even if I didn’t look it!

So, it turns out it was easy to find 10 things in our closet that should never see the light of day again. Make us feel better…do you have an outfit or two that would get you arrested by the fashion police, too?

Pinterest Nightmare #414: Grilled By A Cookie Before Dinner

Posted on February 28, 2014 by The Dose of Reality

You all may have seen a link up that has been sweeping the blogisphere. It’s called “Ask Away Friday”. It’s a simple concept. Two blogs team up on a Friday, ask each other 10 questions, and publish their answers on their blog. Deep insights and revelations about life follow.

It’s something we’d never do.

Answering questions about ourselves makes our palms sweat. We’d rather be strapped to a lawn chair and forced to watch 4 straight hours of Calliou….TWICE. We really don’t know what animal we most resemble or where we see ourselves in 5 years (except we’re sure a carpool line figures in there somewhere).

Plus, for the past year we’ve been reserving our Fridays for Pinterest Nightmares. Since Ask Away Friday is done on FRIDAY (it’s right there in the title!), we thought we were off the hook. Until…

CORN PUDDING

Yes. Corn Pudding. You see, one of our best blogging buddies, the totally delightful and fantastic NJ from A Cookie Before Dinner, sent Ashley a corn pudding recipe last Thanksgiving. Until this recipe, Ashley’s kids ate NO vegetables. Nada. This is evidence of genetics at work since the closest Ashley comes to eating a vegetable is her daily gummy vitamin that happens to be shaped like a carrot.

But thanks to NJ, the whole family can now proudly say they all eat *one* vegetable: CORN! Now, don’t go all registered dietitian on us. We know that corn is generally counted as a starch if you are studying the food pyramid, but…baby steps, people.

So when NJ approached us to pair up for some Ask Away Friday fun, what could we do? NJ is our kind of people. She’s real and authentically herself. We *love* reading her blog. She can make us laugh, cry, and think…sometimes all in the same post. Plus she’s a great and supportive friend. She’s just special. On top of that, she brought dietary variety to Ashley’s family. Now that their palates have been exposed to new vegetable delights, they might start eating something green that doesn’t have M&M printed on it. WE OWE NJ.

So…for the FIRST and LAST time ever we are wiping off our sweaty palms and joining our pal NJ for Ask Away Friday…Dose Girl Style!!

Here are the questions NJ asked us with our answers….

1. My friend is having a baby, and I’d like to throw her a cake and card shower. What is the ultimate baby shower cake?

You are such a good girlfriend! The ultimate baby shower cake has to be the centerpiece of the entire affair! We’d advise going with something sophisticated and elegant…with just a touch of whimsey. Whenever we are looking for things that fit that bill, we take to the search box on Pinterest and it never lets us down…

as pinned from cakewrecks.com

Nailed it!! Look at the fondant work on that bow! This cake just reeks of class and refinement (or maybe it just reeks). I call dibs on the corner with the soiled diaper!!

2. What would you eat if you had 1000 extra Weight Watchers points?

If we were *really* going to splurge, we’d definitely turn to Pinterest for guidance. Our “Feed Me, Mom” board has wonderful recipes and pictures that will make your mouth water!

as pinned from retro food

YUM!! Who isn’t looking for a delicious Jello-o salad with meat and olive garnish just like Grandma use to make?! Plus, it will satisfy both sweet AND savory cravings! We might even improvise a little and add a can of Veg-All to add a little color and texture!

3. What is is the hottest look for spring?

We are *so* glad you asked because we are kind of known for our fashion sense. We keep close tabs on all things stylish and current…

As pinned from lookeylikey.tumblr.com

This outfit has the perfect sherbet colors that really say “spring” as well as a flattering silhouette! This piece shows why every girl dreams of getting to wear couture at least once in her life. We all just want to look this pretty.

4. You say hot, I say creepy. What is the MUST HAVE toy for kids today?

You know we are partial to the Human Slingshot, but unfortunately small children can’t get a good airborne trajectory due to their size. Luckily, Pinterest and our friends at Hammacher Schlemmer came through with something even better…

as pinned from hammacher.com

It’s The Human Bowling Ball!! It is priced to sell at only $5,500 and is suitable for kids 5 and up! What kid wouldn’t go head over heels for fun like this?! Just make sure you get them out of the hermetically sealed PVC ball before their oxygen runs out. FUN!!

5. What is the ultimate Pinterest Nightmare? Have you ever come across something that was too horrific to blog?

The Ultimate Pinterest Nightmare is something that makes us stop in our tracks the moment the pin appears in our feed. Sometimes crying and/or shrieking is also involved. We have found SEVERAL things that were too awful-to dreadful- to foist upon our gentle readers. Here is the worst pin we ever saw…

pinned from…oh we love you too much to tell you

Obviously we decided to redact the really grisly parts for your protection.

6. Tell me a story from your recent girls weekend together!

Oh, dear. What happens on a Girls’ Weekend stays at the Girls’ Weekend, we’re afraid. However, we will neither confirm nor deny that this little beauty was cradled lovingly by Ashley as she slept.

as pinned from etsy.com

It’s the Ryan Gosling Body Pillow! It’s really a crying shame that the pillow cuts off at the bottom just in the area where it’s starting to get good.

7. How did the Dose Girls get their start? How long have you been friends? Are your husbands friends too?

We have been friends since our girls started school together 6 years ago. Technically, our friendship began when Ashley stalked Lisa and forced her to be her friend. Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Lattes may have been involved, but the details are kind of fuzzy at this point. It was just meant to be. Our husbands are friends and even have matching shoes.

As pinned from John Brewer

SPORTY MANDALS!! And you thought Crocs were ugly!! Back off ladies, they are all ours!

8. Who is the best Bachelor of all time?

We choose Arie. We don’t even care that he was not *technically* the Bachelor. It is only because Mike Fleiss hates America and did not respond well to our Arie campaign of the summer of 2013. Why, Mike, Why?

Right-click the photo and open the link in a new tab if you want to see the kissing video again. Go on, we’ll wait. You know you want to.

9. I stole this one from Rabia. What is the oldest unfinished draft in your folder? Why haven’t you finished it yet?

The title is “Mr. Wizard vs. Mr. Softie”. We have absolutely nothing written in it. So, your guess is as good as ours as to where we were going with that one. Tis’ a shame since the title seems quite clickable, no?

The world may never know…

10. It is 9:00 pm. The kids are at a sleepover and your husband is out with friends. How are you spending your time alone?

This one’s easy. We’re getting into this little baby PRONTO…

as pinned from eu.fab.com

It’s The Body Blanket!! All the convenience of footie pajamas with the fashion sense of a Slanket! Flattering on all body types. What could be better?!

Oh, Pinterest (and NJ!). No…just no.

Now, head on over to A Cookie Before Dinner and see the 10 questions we asked NJ! We may or may not have inquired how much she was willing to pay to bail us out of jail, among other things. At the very least, we’re sure you’ll want to ask her for her delicious corn pudding recipe!! 😀

Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days Of Summer

Posted on May 6, 2013 by The Dose of Reality

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School is winding down for the year in our neck of the woods which always leaves us in a bit of a panic. We know some people love the relaxed schedule summer brings, but we are not those people. The summer and it’s willy-nilly atmosphere doesn’t suit us. Plus, it provides almost unlimited togetherness for the siblings to “enjoy” each other’s company. This fills us with dread.

In an attempt to console ourselves that summer isn’t really that bad, we made a list of things even *we* won’t miss about school. We are going to try to think of these in July when we’ve sent everyone to their rooms for the 4th time that day. That will totally work, right?

Dioramas (Or any other project that must be completed at home): After all, who wants to spend time lounging on the couch catching up on back episodes of “The Real Housewives” when they could be helping a second grader magically transform toothpicks and pipe cleaners into an Indian Village from the 1800’s? Oh, right. Us.

Please note that a pizza box was used as the backdrop. Does this mean we are upcyclers now?

Getting Them Dressed in the Morning: The pre-dawn hours are not always the best time to have a fashion discussion. Sometimes our children don’t like the school outfits we suggest, despite our flawless fashion history. Can you believe it?! We let a lot fly in the summer because who cares what you wear to Target or a trip to the zoo, but we have actual standards for school attire. You can imagine the joy this brings to our households before it’s even 7am!

Nice try pairing it with a conservative black turtleneck and cable knit tights, but this outfit was officially VETOED for school use. Let the crying begin.

Carpool: Okay, you KNOW how we feel about carpool. We’ve been completely vocal with our stabby feelings for the Mary Sues who make us look like slackers because they show up an hour early to pick up when we merely arrive on time. But you can’t forget the anarchists who disregard societal rules and just pull up to the front of an already established line to magically become first. And what about the people who ignore all signage and park in the middle of the carpool line causing congestion by making us all swerve around their inert vehicle to pull forward? Yep, we won’t miss this rage inducing school feature at all during the dog days of summer no matter how exhausted we are.

Yes, yes. We know you are very special, but we’d appreciate it if you followed the rules like the rest of us.

LICE: Oh sure, it’s *possible* for your child to contract lice somewhere other than than school, but when was the last time that happened? It’s always the call from the school nurse that sends a shiver down our spines because there is always an outbreak afoot during the elementary school years. Who doesn’t live in fear of a call that will send you boiling all of your bedding in hot water and bagging up every stuffed animal you can find? The fear of lice alone is almost enough to make us consider homeschooling.

We don’t bat an eye if the kids start scratching during the summer. We chalk it up to dry skin or heat rash and go about our day.

Fundraisers: Nothing produces the school spirit in your child like the opportunity to sell stuff and win “valuable” prizes like a patriotic eagle pencil or a plastic mini Slinky shaped like a flower. Once you’re finished hitting up all the grandparents, neighbors, aunts, uncles, you’re expected to pick up the slack and buy the rest of the cookie dough or raffle tickets yourself. Our checkbooks get a well deserved break from this nonsense in the summer.

Of course I’d love to buy a subscription to “Saltwater Fisherman’s Digest”, dear! It will make a nice companion to the “American Bass Wrangler” subscription I bought last year.

Okay. We’ve made ourselves feel so much better. There are plenty of things about school that we will be glad to escape during the summer!! Yay!! We’re really glad that it’s almost summertime!

Oh, who are we kidding?

We’re already counting down the days until school starts in August.

Is summer more lazy, hazy or crazy for you? Are you looking forward to the joy that is summer vacation or are you shuddering at the thought of all those endless days like we are?

Top 10 Reasons We Can Never Be The Fashion Police

Posted on January 20, 2013 by The Dose of Reality