FashionForward Archives - The Dose of Reality

Pinterest Nightmare #575: The Anatomically Correct Swimsuit

Posted on May 2, 2014 by The Dose of Reality

It’s that time of year again.

Sure, we all love it when the first hints of spring appear. Birds begin chirping, daffodils bloom, and the sun begins to feel just a little bit warmer. It’s truly glorious to feel that the long winter is finally over.

It’s all good until the realization hits that summer inevitably follows spring and that can only mean one thing…SWIMSUIT SEASON.

The annual pilgrimage to the mall (or dig through the closet) to try on swimsuits is a trial for all women whether they be 18 or 80. It doesn’t matter who you are, you learn soon enough that hell is a florescent lit dressing room with a three way mirror.

When you’re young, the primary goal is to find a swimsuit that will turn a head or two. Ah, those were the days. When you get to be my age, you get deliriously happy to find a suit with adequate support that color coordinates with both your cover-up and your spider veins.

Obviously I’m on the lookout for a swimsuit that will emphasize all my best features (my smile and my personality) whilst also minimizing my trouble spots (the general-ish area below my neck).

You know where I’m turning to find a swimsuit that will check all of those boxes? Why Pinterest, of course!

As usual, Pinterest totally came through!

Pinterest Nightmare #575: The Anatomically Correct Swimsuit

As pinned from Amazon.com

And to think, they say that swimsuits aren’t really about showing your inner beauty!

The Anatomically Correct Swimsuit is a must have for any gal who wants to make a splash poolside this summer! (Wait, that was a splash of pool water and not peritoneal fluid, right?) Is there anything sexier than giving all the guys a little peek of lungs and a hint of omentum? Nope.

Girl, your falciform ligament is FIERCE!

And talk about figure flattering! The subtle curve of her ascending colon really draws the eye away from her hips and emphasizes her tight little bowel. Niiiiiiiice! Any babe wearing this suit is sure to be the center of attention. Hey buddy, my eyes are up here not at the 4th intercostal space!

It’s hard to find a suit that provides modest coverage yet also offers autopsy-level exposure. The Anatomically Correct Swimsuit threads that needle (with 4-0 silk).

But if you’re like me, you really want to see what a swimsuit looks like from all angles…

Okay…wait just a minute. In the shot of her back on the right, where are her kidneys? Can you spy the pancreas at all? Don’t even get me started about the visible transverse colon. Sheesh! You’d think for $21.99 they’d take the time to adequately render the retroperitoneal space, amiright?

But I see the shot on the left and all is forgiven. I mean, look at that pose. It’s amazing how a popped hip can really show the small intestine to its best advantage, isn’t it? Get ready for the wolf whistles, ladies! (but beware of actual wolves who might mistake you for carrion)

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.

We Are Coming Out Of The Closet

Posted on April 2, 2014 by The Dose of Reality

We are coming out of the closet today. And once you see the inside of our closets, you will know why!

Every woman on the planet knows what it is like to have clothes of varying sizes in her closet. You know the ones that you think to yourself, “One day, one day I will get back into those jeans.” And then there are the ones that you keep around for when you have had too much pie at Thanksgiving. We get it. We are no exception.

What we recently realized is that we have clothes in our closets that, no matter our current sizing, we would NEVER, EVER wear again. Actually, no one should be wearing them. Ever. Anywhere.

We were talking on the phone when we made the discovery. It didn’t take long for us to realize we were lucky we’d never been featured in the back of Glamour magazine with one of those Fashion Don’t black bars across our faces:

Ashley: I am going to get a couple things together to show you. But are you sure we want to expose our lack of fashion sense to the whole, entire world?

Lisa:Sure. Our readers already know we wear mostly yoga pants with clogs to carpool.

Ashley: I don’t know, but I’ll go get my camera.

Lisa: Me, too. Oh God, I think I’ve found at least one thing. Brace yourself, I am about to send you a picture of something.

Ashley: Oh my. Wow. Is that… a jacket?

Lisa: Yes, it is a jacket. I used to wear it with jeans and a white blouse. Can you tell from the picture that it looks like it was made from Muppet fur?

Ashley: You wore that? In public?

Lisa: Yes, otherwise the Muppets would have died in vain.

Ashley: I’m not sure I can top that, but I think I found my first entry. I am going to send you a picture right now of a blazer (Does anyone even use that term anymore?). It is definitely a doozy.

Lisa: Wait a minute, is that velvet?

Ashley: Indeed it is. And did you notice the fashionable double pocket?

Lisa: In what world does a hot pink, double pocketed, velvet blazer not beat a Muppet pelt jacket?

Ashley: Hey, at least the tag is still in it. I never actually wore it.

Lisa: Whatever you have to say to yourself to get you through the night….

Lisa: What about this dress? Do you think it’s awful enough?

Ashley: Um, yes. Yes, I do. Are those flowers on that thing? I definitely like the layered look of it best. Kind of a day to night deal, huh?

Lisa: I wore it to my brother-in-law’s wedding. The grandmother of the bride wouldn’t even have considered that if she saw it on the rack. What was I? 80?

Ashley: Maybe great grandmother of the bride….if she was also half blind. It almost looks like the material could be a chair cover.

Lisa: Yeah, if you hated the chair.

Ashley: I had a few of those types of dresses, too. Let me see if I can find my favorite. And keep in mind, I wore this a lot. And not in like 1992, but more like 2002.

Lisa: Is that oatmeal colored?

Ashley: Try gold baby. And I had no business attempting to wear a long dress like that. I am short for God’s sake. I think I even wore it to a Broadway show once.

Lisa: It really looks more oatmeal-ish to me. I love oatmeal…but not to wear.

Lisa: Okay, brace yourself for the next picture. You might want to sit down. These pants I am showing you were *my* go-to dress-up for shows pants. I wore them every time we went somewhere and I wanted to look good. I LOVED these pants. And I think that photo makes them look short. I don’t think I’m that short!

Ashley: I think The Cosby Show called and wants their wardrobe back! Those are awesome. And you are totally that short. I wonder if they would go with this sweater?

Lisa: My eyes, my eyes! You should really warn a person before you try to blind them with colors and sparkles like that.

Ashley: Right? Isn’t it just atrocious? You know what I think is crazy here? All of our horrible items make us look three times our age. What is wrong with us?

Lisa: You mean like this shirt? Back off Memaw, I saw it first!

Ashley: I’ve got one of those, too! Seriously, why would either of us ever even consider putting those on our bodies?

Lisa: Let me show this little number. I hope the picture does it justice. It is now my turn to say that the tags are still in it (thank God).

Ashley: Is that some gold lamé, I spy? Hahahahahaha! See, isn’t it nice to be able to say the tags are still in it?

Lisa: Yes. I regret mocking you for saying that about your velvet blazer now.

Ashley: I have to say, this one might be the worst of all. It’s a mu mu. And I am totally embarrassed to admit that I wore this as recently as last summer. LAST SUMMER, LISA!!!

Lisa: Oh, it’s like a mini mu mu, my friend…a mini mu mu! I didn’t know those existed. You know what? It was really hot last summer. I think you get a pass for extreme heat.

Ashley: You are sweet to try to make me feel better. I know it’s horrible. Why did I ever wear this?

Lisa: Heat does things to our minds. And the kids are home from school. It’s a bad combination.

Ashley: I was just trying to stay cool…even if I didn’t look it!

So, it turns out it was easy to find 10 things in our closet that should never see the light of day again. Make us feel better…do you have an outfit or two that would get you arrested by the fashion police, too?

Pinterest Nightmare #157: The TV Hat

Posted on October 4, 2013 by The Dose of Reality

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Do you know what they call people who create color-coded Excel spreadsheets of the prime time TV lineup to ensure adequate DVR coverage? You know, sensible folk who use sticky notes when reading their Entertainment Weekly to mark programs that show promise and who replace their remote control batteries bi-monthly to stave off an untimely channel changing failure? No, not vidiots. They call them The Dose Girls!!

We know. We know. We’re supposed to eschew TV as uncouth and beneath us, but we can’t help it! We love it all from your sophisticated Homelands to your even more highbrow What Would Ryan Lochte Do. (You’d be surprised what he would do…or maybe you wouldn’t)

But it can be hard to fit in all that premium viewing. Our schedules are tight. We have carpools to drive, mounds of laundry to pre-treat, and Starbucks retail stores to frequent. It would be *really* convenient to have a satisfying TV viewing experience someplace other than the den.

Sometimes Pinterest just knows what we need and it delivers!

Pinterest Nightmare #157: The TV Hat

As pinned from buytvhatnow.com

This isn’t a person who is simply very serious about protecting her delicate facial area from unsightly sun damage. It’s not an amateur astronomer preparing for the next solar eclipse with a newfangled, hat-centric pinhole projector. NO! This is a lady who is basking in the glow of a personal TV experience happening right up in her grill!

THIS IS THE TV HAT!

But…how does it work? It’s easy! First you choose either the full coverage of a baseball cap or the top down freedom of a visor and secure it firmly to your noggin. Next place a smart phone or iPod with access to Netflix or another video provider in the inner pouch at the end of the hat bill, plug in earbuds, lower the discrete, light blocking side flaps and…VIOLA! You’re experiencing the next television revolution-private, portable, and hands free!

Think of all the scenarios that are no longer chores to be endured, but are now perfect television viewing opportunities thanks to the TV Hat…

The waiting room at the doctor’s office is now the optimal time to catch up on those past episodes of Grey’s Anatomy!

Prefer eating lunch at your desk but still crave a little down time? Don’t catch up on those TPS reports, watch a little bit of The Office instead!

Morning commute a total bore? Now you can watch last weekend’s NASCAR nail biter to pass the time! (Car on closed circuit with professional stunt driver. Do not try at home.)

Spouse annoyed when you watch TV while they want to read? The TV Hat works better than a marriage counselor! Plus, looking that spiffy will definitely get you some nookie later, amiright?

The TV Hat comes in five fashion forward colors to compliment your wardrobe: white, red, blue, khaki, and even camo! At $29.99 you can afford to buy multiples so you never have to sacrifice your signature style to take advantage of this total immersion viewing apparatus.

What do you think?