Authors Archives - The Dose of Reality

And really what mother doesn’t relish the opportunity to go into the bathroom alone AND close the door? No one prepares you in the childbirth classes for the fact that it can LITERALLY be years before you do not have company for your every bodily function.

This is actually considered privacy for moms.

Remember last week when we told you the book we’re in, I Just Want to Pee Alone, would come out in a few weeks…well, it’s HERE!!

The book is available for purchase. THE BOOK IS AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE!

Wait, wait. wait. We are totally calm and cool about this. It’s just a book. That you can put on your book shelf. That has our name on the back cover. And our words on some pages. You know, happens every day. Whatever. (No! It doesn’t happen every day. Not to us! This is the only day! EVER! And we’re totally on page 146-150…of every single copy! SQUEE!)

Front cover Back Cover

We got our own copies of the book early (like real authors or something), which led to a whole long discussion about where and how we should display our books in our homes. Probably exactly how Jennifer Lawrence feels now that she has an Oscar. You know, do you put it in the bathroom so as to not draw attention to it or should you go with a place of more prominence so that everyone who comes over can see it?

In the end, we decided subtle was better. That’s just how we roll. If someone happens to notice, we’ll be surprised and amazed that they were even able to spot it among all the backpacks and general clutter.

See? We are all about the subtle.

So here is the deal. You can buy the book. Right now. Right this very second. If you have a Kindle, you can be reading in minutes. Same thing if you have an iPad, iPod or eReader of any sort. If you have Amazon Prime, you can be reading in two days with free shipping. If you have a mailbox at all, you can be reading in a week.

Click here to buy from Amazon.com

Click here to buy from iTunes

Click here to buy from Smashwords

Click here to see our Author’s Page at Amazon.com! You know who else has an Author’s page on Amazon.com? Pamela Anderson, Snooki, and Paris Hilton, that’s who. We can’t believe we’re in such elite company!!

After you finish clicking and your book arrives, we expect you to skip straight to page 146 to read our essay called: The Husbands Who Cried Wolf-itis. Yes. There *may* have been a bus driving by and we *might* have thrown our husbands right under it. Sorry, guys.

You can also enjoy other titles like:

I Love Disney World. Wait, No. That Whole Title is a Typo

Why I Belong in Coach

and And Then There was That Time a Priest Called Me a Terrible Mother

And that is just a sampling of the 37 essays that will make you laugh. You are going to love this book. We just know it. And when you are finished reading, it even makes a good accent piece for your mantel or back door!

It doesn’t even matter that Oprah doesn’t have her show anymore. For this news, she’ll bring it back for a one day special. We just know it.

She’ll totally want to do a behind the scenes filmed at our houses, until she sees even our junk piles have junk piles. But that’s even better, because then we’ll have to go to her house! Squee!

No, we weren’t busted in a suburban mom prostitution ring (Note to self: Google “going rate for madams”). No, we haven’t decided that sister-wives are the way to go (Neither one of us can cook. You’ve got to have at least one person cooking for all those kids). No, we haven’t had an ultimate bra makeover (But we’re totes open to the idea. Call us Nordstrom!).

The reason is even less probable!

We are going to be published authors. In a book. An actual one. Not one stapled together with construction paper made by our kids. A real book you can put on a book shelf and everything!

WE KNOW, Right??!!!

Several months ago we were asked to submit an essay for consideration in an anthology that Jen of People I Want to Punch In the Throat was putting together featuring “funny mom bloggers writing their most hilarious essays ever”. Yes. That Jen. That People I Want to Punch In the Throat. The one that is up for best blog of the year on The Bloggies.

After we picked ourselves off the floor from the shock, we decided to give it a whirl. Why not! We knew we wouldn’t get picked, but we both take rejection really well! (Total lie. We both sob and take to our beds for days at a time.)

So we put on our coziest jammies, sat down at the computer, and prepared to let the magic flow!

Yeah, it turns out that it’s damn near impossible to be funny on command. At least for us.

So we gave up.

Then our kids got sick and that was that. There would be no writing. No funniness. No nothing.

Except we’re not quitters. Does Tina Fey sob in the corner when the monologue isn’t writing itself? Wait, we don’t know. She might be kind of fragile. BUT WE’RE NOT!

So we tried again. This time we brought out the big guns. We tied on our fanciest yoga pants, grabbed our Starbucks, and got to work. For REAL this time.

And when she picked our essay, we looked like this:

So, without further ado, let us present to you…

I Just Want to Pee Alone

Our friend, Johi of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl, said it best, “It seems so fitting our first publication is in a book with a toilet on the cover”. Yep, us too!

The essays themselves are top secret until the book is officially released later this month, but here are a few of the contributors. You should check them out so you can start laughing now! (We’ll be bringing you more in the weeks to come).

Baby Sideburns

Rants from Mommyland

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Nurse Mommy Laughs

I Love Them the Most When They’re Sleeping

So, call us Oprah! We’re available!