When I sat down to write today’s post about Ashley’s coffee creamer habit and how, inexplicably, it has transferred to me, I realized that it was almost lunch time. Because I take any opportunity to procrastinate didn’t want my creativity stifled by hunger, it seemed prudent to eat before getting down to work.
Because I appreciate a little TV while I’m eating my 8 point Weight Watcher lunch, I decided to check out what was playing on my cable’s premium movie channels. (I knew if I logged on to Netflix I’d start binge watching Season 3 of Sherlock and I’d never get the post written before carpool.)
As I waited for my Smart Ones Santa Fe Style Rice & Beans to reach a suitably mouth-scalding temperature in the microwave, I grabbed my remote control and starting flipping through the Cable Guide channel. I realized that not only had I found quality programming to distract me from my lunch, but I had also discovered a great new lunch time game!
In this game you read the descriptions and star ratings for each movie and decide…do I stay on this channel and watch this show as I eat my semi-satisfying lunch or do I take a gamble and keep going to the next title?
Here are a few of the actual, unedited synopses offered up for my viewing pleasure on Wednesday, April 30, 2014 at 11:42 a.m. as a subscriber to the Time Warner Cable Deluxe Preferred DVR Package. Pretend this is a “Choose Your Own Adventure” and play along with me! See how your choices match up with mine!
The Hunter -R- (2011) 2 1/2 stars Advisories: Violence, Adult Situations, Language
A shadowy corporation sends a mercenary (Willem Dafoe) to Tasmania to track down a nearly extinct tiger whose genetic code holds the secret to a dangerous weapon. Starring: Willem Dafoe, Frances O’Connor, Sam Neill, and Morgana Davies.
This was a tough one. I’m a sucker for anything science-y like the genetic code so this movie obviously peaked my interest. As a lifetime member of the World Wildlife Federation, I *do* want to support nearly extinct tigers, but it was the first thing I read so I decided to keep going.
NEXT…
Snitch -PG13- (2013) 2 1/2 stars Advisories: Violence, Adult Situations
To save his teenage son from an unjust prison sentence, a businessman (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) makes a deal with a U.S. attorney to infiltrate a dangerous drug cartel and becomes an informant. Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Berry Pepper, and Susan Sarandon.
MOVING RIGHT ALONG…
Mimic -R- (1997) 2 1/2 stars Advisories: Violence, Adult Situations, Language
Married scientists (Mira Sorvino, Jeremy Northam) battle killer cockroaches that develop the ability to assume human form. Starring: Mira Sorvino, Jeremy Northam, and Josh Brolin.
There sure are a lot of 2 1/2 star movies, aren’t there? Who knew? Here we have another Academy Award winning actress brought low. Hollywood sure is a tough gig. Although I concede that a movie depicting cockroaches assuming human form sounds gripping, it might not be appetizing. I decided to keep going.
CLICK…
Extreme Prejudice -R- (1987) 2 1/2 stars Advisories: Brief Nudity, Graphic Violence
A border-town Texas Ranger (Nick Nolte) gets caught between a drug-dealing ex-friend and a Major’s commandos. Starring: Nick Nolte, Powers Boothe, and Michael Ironside.
While nobody can deny that the pairing of Nick Nolte and brief nudity are intriguing, ultimately the only Texas Ranger I want to see does karate kicks and is named Chuck Norris. I kept going.
DING…(My lunch was ready! Last one…)
Bridge of Dragons -R- (1999) 1 1/2 stars Advisories: Violence
A man (Dolph Lundgren) helps a rebel princess overthrow the evil general who killed her father and seized the throne. Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Rachel Shane, and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa.
I am a *big* Game of Thrones fan, so the promise of dragons along with the talent of a late ’90s Dolph Lundgren was practically irresistible! Then I noticed Bridge of Dragons garnered a mere 1 1/2 stars. I happen to pay close attention to the Time Warner Cable star rating system and I know that even From Justin to Kelly got 2 stars. But my rice and beans were cooling…so what did I do?
I turned the TV off and called Ashley. I know it’s irritating to hear someone chew and slurp on the other end of the line, but it had been almost two hours since I’d talked to her so obviously we had a lot to discuss. Besides, I needed to tell her that the coffee cream post would probably be…delayed.
What decisions did you make with Stay or Keep Going? Do you think I chose wisely, or did I pass up a world class film in my desire to make sure nothing better was around the corner? Are you as concerned for Susan Sarandon and Mira Sorvino as I am? Am I overpaying Time Warner Cable for my Deluxe Preferred DVR package? Let me know in the comments.