Category Archives: Favorites

Top 10 Reasons We Can Never Be The Fashion Police

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Every woman on the planet knows what it is like to have clothes of varying sizes in her closet. You know the ones that you think to yourself, “One day, one day I will get back into those jeans.” And then there are the ones that you keep around for when you have had too much pie at Thanksgiving. We get it. We are no exception.

What we recently realized is that we have clothes in our closets that, no matter our current sizing, we would NEVER, EVER wear again. Actually, no one should be wearing them. Ever. Anywhere.

We were talking on the phone when we made the discovery. It didn’t take long for us to realize we were lucky we’d never been featured in the back of Glamour magazine with one of those Fashion Don’t black bars across our faces:

Ashley: We should do the Monday Listicles topic for next week. It’s 10 Things In Our Closets and they want pictures. You take five, and I will take five…sound good?

Lisa: Sure, but I think we should make it 10 Things Hanging In Our Closet That We’d Never Wear Anymore. Five might be hard to come by, but maybe we could do that.

Ashley: I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll find five things that I wouldn’t wear. I’ll go get my camera.

Lisa: Me, too. Oh God, I think I’ve found at least one thing. Brace yourself, I am about to send you a picture of something.

Muppet Pelt Jacket

Ashley: Oh my. Wow. Is that… a jacket?

Lisa: Yes, it is a jacket. I used to wear it with jeans and a white blouse. Can you tell from the picture that it looks like it was made from Muppet fur?

Ashley: You wore that? In public.

Lisa: Yes, otherwise the Muppets would have died in vain.

Ashley: I’m not sure I can top that, but I think I found my first entry. I am going to send you a picture right now of a blazer (Does anyone even use that term anymore?). It is definitely a doozy.

Velvet Blazer

Lisa: Wait a minute, is that velvet?

Ashley: Indeed it is. And did you notice the fashionable double pocket?

Lisa: In what world does a hot pink, double pocketed, velvet blazer not beat a Muppet pelt jacket?

Ashley: Hey, at least the tag is still in it. I never actually wore it.

Lisa: Whatever you have to say to yourself to get you through the night….

great grandmother dress

Lisa: What about this dress? Do you think it’s awful enough?

Ashley: Um, yes. Yes, I do. Are those flowers on that thing? I definitely like the layered look of it best. Kind of a day to night deal, huh?

Lisa: I wore it to my brother-in-law’s wedding. The grandmother of the bride wouldn’t even have considered that if she saw it on the rack. What was I? 80?

Ashley: Maybe great grandmother of the bride….if she was also half blind. It almost looks like the material could be a chair cover.

Lisa: Yeah, if you hated the chair.

Ashley: I had a few of those types of dresses, too. Let me see if I can find my favorite. And keep in mind, I wore this a lot. And not in like 1992, but more like 2002.

oatmeal dress

Lisa: Is that oatmeal colored?

Ashley: Try gold baby. And I had no business attempting to wear a long dress like that. I am short for God’s sake. I think I even wore it to a Broadway show once.

Lisa: It really looks more oatmeal-ish to me. I love oatmeal…but not to wear.

Lisa: Okay, brace yourself for the next picture. You might want to sit down. These pants I am showing you were *my* go-to dress-up for shows pants. I wore them every time we went somewhere and I wanted to look good. I LOVED these pants. And I think that photo makes them look short. I don’t think I’m that short!

go-to pants

Ashley: I think The Cosby Show called and wants their wardrobe back! Those are awesome. And you are totally that short. I wonder if they would go with this sweater?

sparkle sweater

Lisa: My eyes, my eyes! You should really warn a person before you try to blind them with colors and sparkles like that.

Ashley: Right? Isn’t it just atrocious? You know what I think is crazy here? All of our horrible items make us look three times our age. What is wrong with us?

Lisa: You mean like this shirt? Back off Memaw, I saw it first!

Ashley: I’ve got one of those, too! Seriously, why would either of us ever even consider putting those on our bodies?

fugly shirts

Lisa: Let me show this little number. I hope the picture does it justice. It is now my turn to say that the tags are still in it (thank God).

brocade jacket

Ashley: Is that some gold lamé, I spy? Hahahahahaha! See, isn’t it nice to be able to say the tags are still in it?

Lisa: Yes. I regret mocking you for saying that about your velvet blazer now.

Ashley: I have to say, this one might be the worst of all. It’s a mu mu. And I am totally embarrassed to admit that I wore this as recently as last summer. LAST SUMMER, LISA!!!

mini mu mu winner

Lisa: Oh, it’s like a mini mu mu, my friend…a mini mu mu! I didn’t know those existed. You know what? It was really hot last summer. I think you get a pass for extreme heat.

Ashley: You are sweet to try to make me feel better. I know it’s horrible. Why did I ever wear this?

Lisa: Heat does things to our minds. And the kids are home from school. It’s a bad combination.

Ashley: I was just trying to stay cool…even if I didn’t look it!

So, it turns out it was easy to find 10 things in our closet that should never see the light of day again. Make us feel better…do you have an outfit or two that would get you arrested by the fashion police, too?

MondayListicles

 

 

 

 

Damn You, Amazon.com

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My mom got a new Kindle Paperwhite for Christmas.

You might be thinking…Good for her! That’s AWESOME! I, however, was filled with dread when I heard the news on Christmas morning. The only thought in my head was…Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Noooooooooooooooo

You might wonder why I’m not enthusiastic. Let me explain.

My mom (I call her Cookie-long story, just go with it) is no ordinary 65 year old. Cookie is a totally fit and fabulous mom and grandma. She’s “with it”. She is active and trim. She changes her hairstyle frequently to keep up with the trends. At any given time her clothing is 100% more fashionable and put together than mine by far. It’s not even a close contest. I don’t mean “Oh, when I’m that age I hope I look that put together.” No. I mean “I’d snatch that off her body and wear it myself if I could fit into it” kind of fashionable. She only wears yoga pants when she’s doing ACTUAL YOGA (I mean…can you imagine?). What I’m saying is that Cookie is a *young* 65 years old.

As such, she naturally adores Skype, surfing the web, her smartphone, and any other modern gadget you’d expect any “with it” person to use and love. The problem is OPERATING these modern electronic gadgets. Oh, she is totally on board and game to use them all, it’s just the execution that trips her up.

Cue to me…her 24/7 long-distance tech support giving Edvard Munch’s dude from The Scream a run for his money at the thought of her receiving a new Kindle.

You see, it took me a SIX HOUR phone call followed by a second THREE HOUR phone call the next day just to register and place one book on her OLD Kindle. (Yes, I’m talking about the Amazon Kindle, one of the most user friendly devices known to man. And no, I am not exaggerating). It took a full two years to get her semi-proficient on it after that, but we finally got there. And now there is a new version…without a keyboard…that is organized differently. *sob*

All of our talks about electronic gadgets/computers/iPhones share a common thread. First I am called or texted at a strange time of day. This is the 24/7 part of the deal. It then goes something like this:

Me: Okay, now click on the yellow box at the top right of the screen.

Cookie: I don’t know what you mean.

Me: Take your mouse and move the arrow to the yellow box at the top right of your screen and click on it when the arrow becomes a hand.

Cookie: I don’t have a yellow box on my screen.

Me: Yes, I’m sure you do. It’s at the top right part of the screen. Look right under the thick blue bar.

Cookie: Lisa, your computer is newer than mine. Mine doesn’t have that. Our computers are different.

Me: No Cookie, it’s not a computer thing. It’s a website thing. You are seeing the same internet I am. It’s exactly the same.

Cookie: No, it’s not because I don’t have a yellow box anywhere on my screen. Maybe my computer is broken.

Me: Put your finger on the top right corner of your computer screen and slide it directly down past the thick blue bar…

Cookie: OH!! There it is!! Why didn’t you say so?!

Now, take that scene and multiply it by eleventy thousand because that 10 minute dialogue was just to produce ONE MOUSE CLICK.

At Your Service

 

 

Thus, I was braced and ready for the inevitable phone call on December 26th about the new Kindle because she spent Christmas in St. Louis where she lives while we were here in Charlotte. It actually came on December 25th at 8:42 pm as I was trying to get Lucy to bed.

 

 

Cookie: I can’t get my Wi-Fi set right on my new Kindle. I have a lot of other questions, but I want to get this part done first before I do anything else.

Me: Okay, how far did you get?

Cookie: I turned it on. It was actually difficult because the starter works differently than the old one. You have to press it in instead of move it side to side.

Me: Great. Good catch. Okay, now press at the top of the screen until the menu appears.

Cookie: I don’t have a menu. All I see is the User’s Guide I was reading.

Me: Right, you have to press at the top of your screen for the menu to pop up.

Cookie: I don’t have any keys to push. All I see is words.

Me: I know. You push on the screen at the top, and it will just appear.

Cookie: WOW. Look at that!

Me: Yay! Now press the picture all the way at the right that looks like bars.

Cookie: Oh, no! I did that, and a box came down. I have to start all over.

Me: No, no, that’s good. That’s exactly what we wanted to happen. Now press where it says “Settings”.

Cookie: Oh, when the box came up I turned my Kinde off. I thought I messed it up and had to start all over again.

Then we actually *did* start all over again, but I will spare you that part.

Me: Okay, now press where it says “Wi-Fi Networks”.

Cookie: My screen doesn’t say that.

My Screen Doesn't Say That

Me: Does your screen say “Settings” at the top and then the first option is “Airplane Mode”

Cookie: Yes.

Me: “Wi-Fi Networks” is right under that.

Cookie: It’s not on mine. Mine doesn’t say that. Mine is brand new. It’s different from yours, Lisa.

Me: No, your Kindle Paperwhite is just like mine. Don’t actually touch the screen, but put your finger where is says “Airplane Mode” and then move it directly down until you see…

Cookie: OH! There it is! Why didn’t you say so?

Me: Now touch “Wi-Fi Networks”. You’ll see several different networks pop up.

Cookie: I see them! Now what?

Me: Okay, now select your Wi-Fi network.

Cookie: What do you mean?

Me: Touch the one that is yours.

Cookie: It says I have four of them.

Me: No, your Kindle is recognizing several Wi-Fi networks, but only one is actually yours.

Cookie: Well, I’m looking right at it. It says I have four.

Me: No, it’s detecting that there are four networks in your area. Only one of those actually belongs to you, though. The other three belong to your neighbors. You want to use yours.

Cookie: How do I know which one is mine?

Me: You look at the name. Ours is named with our last name.

Cookie: All of these are just numbers. One says ATT, and we use ATT.

Me: Great, maybe that’s yours. Click on that one.

Cookie: Okay, it asked for a password.

Me: Perfect! Put your password in.

Cookie: Hmmmm…I don’t know what my password is.

Me: I thought you use the same password for everything.

Cookie: We do, but that one isn’t working. Lets see… I remember writing down my Wi-Fi password on a yellow piece of paper so I’d always have it handy.

Me: Great! I’ll wait while you get your paper.

Cookie: Oh, I don’t know where it is.

Me: We’re going to need it to finish this.

At this point 10 minutes pass as I listen to the shuffling of papers.

Cookie: I can’t believe it! I found it!

Me: Wonderful. Now put in your password.

Cookie: It doesn’t work.

Me: Are you sure you keyed it in correctly?

Cookie: Yes

Me: Are you sure you used capital letters in the right spot?

Cookie: Yes.

Me: Okay, then either that isn’t your Wi-Fi network or your password is wrong.

Cookie: The password is on my yellow piece of paper. It’s right.

Me: Okay, then select a different Wi-Fi network and try your password there.

Cookie: OH, NO! Now I only have three networks. I lost a network!

Me: No, you didn’t. That was never yours anyway. Your network has to be one of the other two we haven’t tried.

Cookie proceeds to enter her password into the two remaining networks with no luck. This takes about 45 minutes.

Me: Okay, ONE of those is your Wi-Fi network. It has to be that your password is wrong.

Cookie: But it’s on my yellow paper! I can’t believe all three of my Wi-Fi networks are broken, and I lost one while I was messing around. The one I lost was probably the one that worked best and that’s my problem.

Me: No, you don’t HAVE more than one Wi-Fi network.

At this point my husband, who has been listening to my side of the conversation for the past 90 minutes, speaks up.

Robert: Lisa, are you sure they even HAVE Wi-Fi?

Me (into the phone): Cookie, are you sure you even HAVE Wi-Fi?

Cookie (to my dad who has been listening to her side of the conversation): Gary, do we even have Wi-Fi?

My Dad’s muffled voice: You said we did…so… yes?

Cookie: Of course we do, Lisa. My Kindle says we have three Wi-Fi’s. Four if you count the one I lost.

Good news! Cookie’s birthday is in February and there are rumors that she wants to upgrade to the new iPhone 5.

nawww

 

***Exciting update! Cookie has read this and has decided to continue speaking to me and providing her maternal love and support! She even left a comment in the comment section-something she has never done before despite reading the blog every day. (I am pretty sure she called either Robert or Ashley to walk her through how to do it, though.)

CAPTCHA…I Wanna Punch Ya!

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Have you ever tried to fill out an online form so you could enter a contest to win a coupon for dog food… or tried to buy tickets to see the local spoken word revival of the Broadway hit CATS…and been stopped cold in the process at some point by a series of incredibly fuzzy letters and numbers that look like they were regurgitated by a fun house mirror?

Then, not only did you have to try to look at these without experiencing vertigo, you were also instructed to replicate them in a tiny box to prove yourself human?

If so, you have grappled with my nemesis: CAPTCHA.

CAPTCHA is a program that was ostensibly created so companies could be sure that their online order forms or registrations were being filled out by real, live human beings and not robots.

I don’t buy that for one second, though. CAPTCHA was obviously created by some angry malcontent sitting in his parents’ basement trying to monetize his attempt at revenge on humanity.

Still don’t believe me? Examine this excerpt from the official CAPTCHA homepage:

CAPTCHA is a program that generates impossible sequences of numbers and letters to make people prove they are human. CAPTCHA’s ability to frustrate is universal, thus working across all countries and formats. The genius of CAPTCHA is that most don’t even have actual solutions! Robots operate with logic and will move right along. Actual people are quite stupid and persistent. They will keep trying and trying to prove their humanity long after the computers have cut their losses and moved on to wreak havoc on other non-CAPTCHA protected websites. Click here for our affordable pricing guide!

SEE!!!

There is nothing I hate more than encountering a CAPTCHA when I am in a high pressure situation. If you are trying to buy tickets to a hot show, they only allow you to secure them in your check out cart for 4 to 5 minutes before releasing them to the next customer.

Time is of the essence! The last thing I want to see as I’m finishing up my order for front row seats to The Susan Boyle Christmas Experience is a damn CAPTCHA staring me in the face.

It always starts for me, as with so many other things, with denial.

 

Attempt #1

Lisa: Hey! This looks like an easy one! It’s not even blurry!

Lisa: Okay, no problem….7…6…2…N…C…6…j…5…2

Lisa: Oh, SHOOT. That wasn’t right. Okay, no problem. Let’s see the next one. I’ll get my glasses. That will totally help.

 

Attempt #2

Lisa: Oh, hell. One of those divided ones. This one is a bit more challenging. That’s okay. I can do it. 2…3…is that an “h” or an “r” with a “j”? hmmm…h…A…C…T…U?

Lisa: DAMN IT!

After two tries I usually hold my face *THIS* close to the computer screen and squint my eyes because that is obviously helpful.

 

Attempt #3

Lisa: Is there a “1” before that “7”? I just can’t tell! Okay….1…7….0…2…k…D…g…is that an “o” or a button?…O…I swear that is an upside down “t” but that can’t be right…I…R

Okay, this is the point where it gets serious. You’ve already messed up three attempts. You can literally feel the Susan Boyle Christmas Experience slipping through your fingers.

 

Attempt #4

Lisa: OHMYGOD…You’ve got to be kidding me.

Because what else can you say when faced with something that’s blurrier than the Vaseline’d lens they used to shoot Joan Crawford in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”.

When I get one like this (and after I stop screaming), I just skip that CAPTCHA without even guessing and move on to the next one.

 

Attempt #5

Now, when you are totally desperate and you see something like that on your computer screen, you might think, “This is a good time to click the audio button and just transcribe what the voice tells me.”

Hahahahahaha. Oh, Lawd. If you think that, you’ve obviously never clicked the audio button, my friend. Not only is the CAPTCHA robot voice the stuff of nightmares, it’s also conveniently unintelligible.

CAPTCHA robot voice: Niiiiiiinerfivineineinenine…fiiivevennnvefiiiiivefive Bleepblotwinningdliblahblahpingerererebloop

Lisa: Seriously, what the hell? Am I supposed to put 95…or 99995555 or 99555 or what? How does “bloop” translate to a letter of the alphabet?

But the good news is that you don’t have to worry about it any more. By the time you are on your 5th attempt the tickets have been taken from your cart and given to some other fan of light contemporary adult holiday music. You are left with nothing. (Nothing except the strong desire to throw your laptop across the room.)

It can’t just be me, right? Everyone else can’t be effortlessly zipping through these things when they’re entering the Hidden Valley Ranch Online Sweepstakes or subscribing to the Quiznos Online Monthly Newsletter, can they?

If you’d like to leave a comment or give your secret to decoding the demonic CAPTCHA, do not fear:

THE DOSE OF REALITY IS AN ABSOLUTELY CAPTCHA FREE ZONE!!

 

Head to Head: The Living Legends-Barry Manilow vs. Neil Diamond

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There is nothing we look forward to at the end of a long week more than the chance to catch up and relax. Little did we know that *this* conversation was going to lead to a new Head to Head post and an epic battle not seen since the time Krystle Carrington toppled Alexis Carrington-Colby into the pond on Dynasty.

It all started innocently enough as we were headed to Starbucks. Ashley was driving (of course) and as passenger, Lisa was in charge of selecting the tunes. It went something like this:

Lisa: Oh, man. This is my jam. I love me some Barry Manilow. Would you rather hear some Looks Like We Made It or I Write the Songs next?

Ashley: Gee, no Copacabana today? [She totally said this with a tone. -Lisa] Let’s try to at least attempt to be cool and go for some Love on the Rocks.

Lisa: Barry Manilow didn’t sing Love on the Rocks. What’s wrong with you?

Ashley: I’ve seen Neil Diamond 8 times in concert. I know exactly who sings Love on the Rocks and every other classic from The Jazz Singer.

Lisa: I’ve seen Neil Diamond in concert, too. He’s great. But you can’t seriously be implying that he is cooler than one Mr. Barry Manilow. I haven’t even played Mandy yet.

Ashley: I’ve seen Barry Manilow in concert, too. But let’s be real. You cannot honestly tell me Barry is cooler than Neil. They play Neil Diamond at Fenway Park for God’s sake.

Lisa: Yes. I am honestly saying exactly that. It says so right here on my Fanilow International Fan Club membership card. Take it back.

Ashley: No. I won’t take it back.

Lisa: Listen, Barry played the piano and sang in bath houses with Bette Midler. It doesn’t get any cooler than that. He is a LEGEND.

Ashley: Two words—Barbra Streisand. I win.

Photo Credit: hotflick.net and mainstagegallery.com

Lisa: I’ll take your Barbra Streisand and raise you a Donna Summer and Dionne Warwick. Oh, and he wrote The Bandstand Boogie for Dick Clark.

Ashley: But did he write America? Make our beds and we say our grace. Freedom’s light burning warm…FREEDOM’S LIGHT BURNING WARMMMMMM!!!!

Lisa: If I stipulate that America is a good song will you please stop singing? It soars, okay. It’s better than the Lee Greenwood song they foist upon us every 4th of July. But did it make 8 year-old Lisa beg for piano lessons like the Barry classic Could it Be Magic did? No. It did not.

Ashley: Is that the one that starts out with a symphony and melds into Barry playing the song? Yeah, that’s a good one. But 7 year-old Ashley was far more inspired to turn on my Heartlight like Neil advised.

Lisa: Look, I have plenty of Neil Diamond on my iPod. You know I like him. It’s just Barry…he really gets it…you know? He speaks to me. Did you know that you can even get a Barry Manilow Visa card if you are a fan club member?

Ashley: I wonder what the rewards are that come with that! Do they fly you to Vegas?

Lisa: OMG…now I *have* to get one.

Ashley: Seem like a *real* Fanilow would have one already. But okay.

Lisa: You know…I think he’s actually touring the US right now. In fact I think he’s going to be near Charlotte right around my birthday. Maybe we should go.

Ashley: Of COURSE we should. We saw Neil Diamond in concert together, we’ve GOT to see Barry together, too.

Lisa: Yes! You know… there’s room enough in this car for more than one dreamy singer/songwriter who appeals to all generations.

Ashley: Agreed. Now hit me with some September Morn.

Lisa: Gladly!

Okay, so it ended a bit more friendly than Krystle and Alexis going head over heels into the water, but it was tense for a minute there.

Photo credits: noiset.com and acharts.us

So tell us…are you a Fanilow or a Super Diamond? Do you crank up the radio when you hear “Forever in Blue Jeans” or is it “Can’t Smile Without You” that puts pep in your step? [I’ve totally got this one in the bag. -Lisa] [Dream on. -Ashley]