Last weekend Ashley and I went to a parenting seminar at our kids’ school aimed at understanding your preteen and teen children better.
The session on technology and the internet was eye-opening. We learned so much! (Spoiler alert: Your sons are all watching online porn and your daughters are all Snapchatting naked photos of themselves. Yes, even you with the honor student.)
Needless to say, when we got home we felt we were at the top of our mothering prowess. Feeling heady with our new knowledge, we weren’t ready for it to end. We wanted to learn more and really immerse ourselves in the newest parenting information and trends.
We knew there was only one place to go to put us on the cutting edge of parenthood… Pinterest!! It’s a virtual cornucopia of parenting ideas and tips!
While searching for parenting literature, this very special gem popped up…
Pinterest Nightmare #674: My Beautiful Mommy
as pinned from amazon.com
It’s pop quiz time! Get out your #2 pencils (and no looking at your neighbor’s work).
Complete the following sentence: My Beautiful Mommy is a book…
A. …that teaches children about positive body image. Mommy knows all people are different and perfect just the way we are. Loving and accepting ourselves and one another is important. We are all beautiful!
B. …that shines a light on the beauty within each of us. Mommy volunteers at a soup kitchen and is always giving back to her community. Through Mommy’s volunteerism and selflessness, her daughter learns the true meaning of inner beauty.
C. …that guides your child through your transformative plastic surgery. The child will learn the ins and outs of both pre and post-op appointments as well as how she can pitch in while Mommy is achieving the apex of her beauty potential.
It’s a tough one, isn’t it? Let’s make this an open book quiz and check out the actual product description on Amazon.com:
Plastic surgery has become extremely common among mothers with young children. Children are very perceptive. It is nearly impossible to hide a plastic surgery transformation from your children. Once mommy is home and the child sees that mommy is bandaged and bruised, they can become worried and inquisitive. Finally, when the bandages come off and mommy looks somewhat different, their confusion may lead to responses that adults may find inappropriate or hard to understand.
Yes! The answer is “C”, making it a must-have book for every home library!
Of course we are all lovely just as we are. It’s what’s inside that counts. Blah, blah, blah. Children aren’t stupid! They know that inner beauty can only take you so far. Sometimes you need a brow lift, tummy tuck, boob job, and cheek implants to achieve maximum beauty. Just ask Heidi Montag.
What kind of mommy doesn’t want to make sure her daughter is learning these valuable lessons? Plus, how else do you explain why mommy can’t blink?
In My Beautiful Mommy, Mommy’s bandages are referred to as a cocoon. They are something that Mommy needs temporarily and eventually sheds as she undergoes the metamorphosis from a wrinkly, somewhat off-putting caterpillar with a bump in the bridge of her nose and an unsightly belly pooch to a beautiful butterfly who can spread her wings proudly and hang her head in shame no longer.
Dr. Michael Salzhauer, the self described “Mommy Makeover” king of Florida, wrote My Beautiful Mommy to help children understand what drab mommies everywhere are experiencing and why. It puts things in terms that the children can understand so they don’t become confused and think their mommy is fine just like she is. Bless you Dr. Salzhauer for your seminal work, and thank you Pinterest for spreading the word!
Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.
This is really so freakin sad. OMG!? What the?! I love “Plus, how else do you explain why mommy can’t blink?” And from Florida? I thought for sure this was straight from LA! Can’t we keep all the crazies contained there? Booo Pinterest, boooooooo!!!!
I really thought he would be from LA, too, Allie. But women need to be nipped and tucked all throughout the land! LA can’t be selfish and hoard ALL the children’s book writing plastic surgeons!
OMG, is right, Allie… along with the WTH & what the crap, dude, really???? remember, I am trying really hard not to cuss & this mess is $&*(&^%#ing me, just sayin’ is all… WOWWEEE!!!! Happy Friday, ladies. XO. ~Amber~
I know. It’s shocking he hasn’t written more books. I’m thinking he should try to churn one out about the benefits of fad diets.
Really??? now- you are trying to make me cuss… BaHaHaHa! XOXO.
Me??? Well…I *do* enjoy a good cussing session in the morning! 😀
Seriously, what has it come to that we need a book to teach our kids about Mommy getting plastic surgery. God, I am with the majority that this is just so wrong on so many different levels and not even sure what this says about our society nowadays. No words and still love you how you always manage to find the worst on Pinterest. Do love you both for that though 🙂
But Janine…kids need to know why they don’t recognize mommy anymore when she has her (inevitable) procedures! 😀
I have a bone to pick with you two, I’m supposed to laugh on Friday’s thanks to Pinterest Nightmare! Lol! I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of this, but I just could not, this is so sad. What the heck is wrong with people!!! Excellent piece ladies!! You both are amazing!!! xoxo
Oh, I totally agree! It is sad that we can’t all see this fantastic doctor when we have our own cosmetic procedures. I’m pretty sure my kids would need a heads up if I was coming home transformed.
Oh my goodness. Cocoon bandages?
I think I’m going to be sick.
This is awful. Way to give kids an unhealthy perspective on bodies and their need to be “transformed” early in life. Ugh.
I’m just sick that some kids have to learn these lessons on the mean streets of middle school and not from their newly beautiful moms. Sad. 😀
WTF?! And not just Pinterest, but Amazon too. I know they let just about anyone sell anything on Amazon, but this book is total garbage! This world needs more books and programs and mamas who teach our children that beauty lies within. What’s on the outside is just the wrapping. And, for me personally, there’s no way I’m going under the knife to iron out a few wrinkles or suck out some cellulite. I’m saving my surgery karma for life-threatening emergencies!
You and I have the same surgery karma philosophy, Nicole!! I’ve seen too much to enter into any surgery lightly….
but this is Pinterest Nightmare so I am obligated to finish this reply with-I bet you’d feel differently if you could be a patient of the Mommy Makeover King of Florida! 😀
All I can say is WOW.
My brain hurts just trying to process it.
Mine, too. In fact I furrowed my brow so much I need to add a mini-face lift to my list of (eventual) surgeries.
Wait, what?? No. No, no, no. By the way, your A. and B. answers (which I had foolishly hoped were right) were very well written. I think you need to broker a book deal for #2. It can be the anti- “My Beautiful Mommy.” Call it “My Inner Beautiful Mommy.”
I’ll buy 82 copies.
But, Tamara…mommies with inner beauty don’t necessarily get wolf whistles as they walk down the street. How sad they must be… 🙁 😀
I don’t know what hurt more in this post. Learning what my son and daughter are doing online or reading about this God awful book! Remind me that what I get the extra 50 grand in the bank, to donate it to a worthy cause - like childhood hunger - versus get my wrinkles and extra cellulite removed. Enough said.
Bwahahaha. Yes. Those statistics were shocking. I ran right home and went over Bobby’s online history with a fine tooth comb. GAH!! 😀
Ah yes, another crazy loon looms from the craziest of all states, Florida. I believe more plastic surgery is done here than anywhere else. The retirement state has become the don’t let me look old state. Yikes! This book will NOT be on my Christmas list for my grandchildren.
Aw! How could you deny your grandchildren this ground breaking book, Vicki??!! They’ll just be stuck with inner beauty and being satisfied with themselves just as they are. Poor things. 😀
Oh, oh, oh!! I know the answer to this one! It’s C!! And I didn’t have to cheat or look ahead and anything like that. I am simply fortunate enough to live in the same state as this clown of an author, and I remember when this was on the news. *sigh* Welcome to Flori-duh.
Bwahahahahahaha. I can’t believe this book made the news back when it was released! That’s fantastic! It’s always great when an important piece of literature get’s good word of mouth publicity. 🙂
They make them and you find them 😉 But seriously this is an abomination and I say we start a book burning bonfire like in Fahrenheit 451 just for this!!! ( I read good books LOL)
I bet you want to burn this book because they went with cartoon-ish illustrations instead of photographs! You photographers are so particular!! 🙂
This person can’t possibly be from Florida.
That’s a typo! All the plastic surgeons are out somewhere in LA.
But I digress..
He needs a sequel. The reason why daddy takes those little blue pills.
xoxo,
KG
Genius, Khloe!! That is totally the kind of real-world, practical reading that children need more of in their lives. Harry Potter is so 2008.
Truly a sad commentary on our society!
I know. It’s so sad it’s taken this long for a book like this to be published. 🙂
I do not like these kind of books that show how scary mommy looks.
I do not like lips with collagen, please don’t show this book again.
I don’t think Mommy had collagen injections in the book. I’m pretty sure she went with the lip implants-so don’t worry!! You can place your Amazon order and be enjoying this book by Monday! (Saturday if you have Amazon Prime and don’t mind paying the $3.99 rush shipping charge)
This may be the most hilarious Pinterest Nightmare you have ever written -and that’s saying a lot! Living in Southern California, I come face to face with these newly (and frequently) transformed butterflies. I’m so glad that there is a resource for children to understand what is going on. “Yes, darling, I am heartbroken that Fluffy has gone to pet Heaven but my tear ducts were removed during my latest eye lift so that’s why I’m not able to shed a tear. Plus crying makes you ugly so stop it.”
Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Bwahahahahaha. I cannot stop laughing…but I’ve got to…because, hello…LAUGH LINES!!!
Those LA butterflies have their priorities straightened out, Mo. How are you going to land a wealthy catch (or a regional Arby’s commercial) with unsightly cellulite?
Wait…WHAT?! My stomach just turned over (yes, my stretchmark, wrinkly from 4 pregnancies, poochier than should be stomach). I’m not sure what makes me sicker: that this man thought that this was a good idea or that I am trying my hardest to publish a few books (ok, not really trying yet but want to) and THIS is what publishers bought??? YUCK! BTW, you guys have a real talent for finding these things. 🙂
I think if you add some cosmetic enhancement references to your next book, the publishers will bite. It worked for Dr. Salzhauer!!
Shaking my head. (yes my jowls do jiggle) 😉
Mine do too, Jill. That’s why I have to shake my head slowly so as not to slap myself upside my head.
Oh good god. Not gonna lie… if I had the $ I’d be down for minorrrrr plastic surgery. But still. A kid doesn’t need to read crap like this. This should only be used to line the inside of a dog’s cage.
But Amanda, that would be a waste. Dogs can’t read! Maybe they could pick up the gist of the story from the illustrations, though.
Another winner. Loved “off-putting caterpillar” and helping confused children who think mommy’s fine as she is. If Toddlers and Tiaras isn’t setting them straight maybe Dr. What’s-his-face-as-long-as-it’s-not-unsightly will.
Excellent point, Liz!!
The good Dr. Salzhauer is making sure he’s finishing what Honey Boo Boo started. How selfless!
LOL! I don’t know why I am laughing! That’s a terrible book. If somebody I knows buys it, I’m totally judging them. Also, speaking of books, how’s the ‘Penis…’ book going? 😉
I know**
GAH!! I totally forgot about that book until you just said that. It is sitting on my Kindle completely un-read. I will start it the MINUTE I finish the book I’m currently reading and report back to you. I can’t believe I didn’t read it yet!!
Wow. That a book like this actually exists just leaves me at a loss for words. How can we break this ugly cycle of sending horrible messages to our beautiful children? I can’t believe this! Someone should put that doctor in a cocoon.
Oh, I think the book acknowledges that children are beautiful! The problem is the hideous mommies. Yikes! Those ladies need a LOT of help!
Wow! That is incredibly sad! I have nothing against plasitc surgery, but the fact that they have a book that teaches children about it is just CRAZY to me. I don’t like the way they equate beauty to plastic surgery.This definitely puts thoughts in the children head that in order for them to be beautiful, they have to get plastic surgery “like mommy”. Disgusting.
I bet this book does put that thought in their heads, Britton. Thank goodness because the kids can be aware and get their nose jobs scheduled before their sweet 16 gala birthday parties.
The crap? I bet that book is popular in Los Angeles. Yikes.
A classic book like this is surely popular everywhere, Amber!
I am so sad for our society that this book was needed.
Me, too. It should have been written long ago. We’ve had to wait far too long for this kind of good children’s literature! 😀
Ay mami! Poor confused children who get the “honor” of reading this hot mess. There ought to be a law…
I know!! There ought to be a law that all children get exposed to quality literature like this, not just the kids whose parents can afford cosmetic surgery!!
How sad that there is even a market for this book. Although I imagine seeing Mommy after plastic surgery has to be scary for kids. My mom had jaw surgery when I was a kid, and seeing her all swollen and bandaged freaked me out. But still, the book is just wrong.
Mommy’s look freakishly scary after plastic surgery, I’d think. Lucy once panicked when I went a touch more red in my hair coloring on month. She actually cried and said, “I want my REAL mommy back.” She was 4 and didn’t understand the allure of being a near-red head. She didn’t care about me reaching my beauty potential at all.
That is just not right. How will they ever learn contentment and loving who they are?
Now that good plastic surgeons are everywhere, they don’t have to! 😀
Oh my. What does it not surprise me that this book was written by a man? It’s sad that this book exits. Period.
Exactly. And I will point out that even though the pre-transformation mommy is fairly hideous, the illustration for the doctor looks like a superhero…most especially Super Man. Ugh.
Wow. Thanks for this. That book is awful. I have a 74yo step mom who looks great and 50. But yeah. the bandages??? UGH. I’ve been tempted to get fillers (I’m allergic to Botox which also tempted me) because I had my only and first baby at 40…and I see the moms who look so young (because they are, compared to me). BUT EWWWW gross to the bandages book!!!
I hear you, Kristi. I’m too worried if I tried anything I’d turn into a moth instead of a butterfly.
When Cole was a teeny tiny infant, the first time I went to get a haircut I came home and he burst into tears. In his defense, I have naturally curly hair and in addition to highlights and a cut, I had had it blown out (it was my first salon visit in a year!). I can only imagine if I had “work done.”
Bwahahahaha! I commented earlier something just like this happened with Lucy! I went a little more red with my hair color and she got hysterical because I didn’t look like her mommy! If my breasts went from flat pancakes to pert and bouncy she’d probably run away from home in search of her real mommy!!
Oh My Word! What is this world coming to?
…And now I sound like my grandmother!
Thanks Pinterest!
Pinterest Nightmares have the ability to turn even the coolest of us into lip puckering, disapproving, “back in my day”, granny types.
Say what? Wow just wow.
I know!! The illustration of the newly transformed butterfly mommy is HOT! Wow!
Wow, when I read choice C I had really hoped it was just your cleverness and not the actual answer. This just makes me sad. I mean, I guess it’s good to have a book that explains to children why Mommy suddenly looks so different. But honestly it just makes me sad.
You’ve got to tell the kids somehow why mommy can’t make facial expressions anymore. And it has the bonus of being premiere children’s literature to boot!
SAY IT AIN’T SO!
I seriously don’t know what the world is coming to. Are we in a race to see how we can screw our children up the worse?
This is so ridiculous!
If we’re in a race, Dr. Salzhauer is going to get us to the finish line first, Mariann!!
Wow, this would be a great Christmas gift for a child. NOT!
Pssstt….don’t tell her…but I’m thinking of getting this as a Christmas present for Ashley. (even though she’s already a butterfly, of course)
And to think I put off plastic surgery all these years because I didn’t know how to explain it to the kids. And now that I’m older I’ll need to explain to the grandkids. This book is perfect! I need to go now. I have an appointment (or two) to make!
ha!
Bwahahahahaha!
And to think if you’d had this book years ago you wouldn’t have wasted all this time sculpting your body by eating right and exercising. Thank goodness it’s here now!
Seriously?!?! That’s just wrong! I understand reconstructive surgery if it is needed, but surgery to enhance “just because” has always been hard for me to understand. It is one of those fine line things. We preach about “it’s what on the inside that counts” and then our celebs run around 1/2 (or more) plastic or fake and more and more people are doing plastic surgery just to look better…I’m sorry, but this bothers me! You can change the outside to look better, but if you don’t change the inner self-image problems, those “fixes” don’t help anything. You get the inside right, and the outside follows even if the physical doesn’t because there is nothing more attractive than confidence and a real smile, but maybe that’s just me…
So…you’re probably just going to have your children share one copy of the book and not buy them each their own copies? 😀
That all depends…Does it come in 1 or 2-ply? 😉 😀
How charming. Have put in an order for 12 copies.
Hahahahaha. I may have to put in a large order, too. They’ll probably have to go into a second printing to keep up with the demand. 😀
You guys sure know how to find those gems on Pinterest! Wow. Now, who would have thought such a priceless book existed??
I never would have imagined such a fantastic book existed, either. We are so lucky Pinterest brought it to our attention!! 🙂
I think I could have used that book — early on in my Stepmom days, my stepdaughter was asking all about boob jobs and what I thought about them etc, bcs she told me that her Mom had had one. Talk about awkward conversation! I could have used that book and sent it along to her Mom to help explain some things!
Well there you go! We knew this book would come in handy!! 😀
Why do I not have a book yet?!??! If this schmuck can get a book published why can’t I!? Indeed, why can’t any of us!
I think we could as long as we have such profound and useful things to say to the younger generation. It’s hard to be as inspiring as “My Beautiful Mommy”.
I’m giving this book to all my ugly mom friends for Christmas. There went their last excuse ::gigglesnort::
This is too much. What a ridiculous book! And lets go back to what all the kids are doing on the internet. You mean everyone’s kids but mine, right? RIGHT?
ahhhh this is so bad. I guess you gotta teach your kiddos about everything? Don’t keep them sheltered? I don’t know this one is SO bad. SO awful!!
Please tell me this was a self published book….and a company did NOT pay for this to be published….
Oh no! Isn’t it enough when the celebrities go out and do all kinds of dumb things and invest in plastic surgery? We should be teahing kids to embrace who they are and know that it is enough. I did not think that was waht the book was about….so sad!
What in the world!!? Are you serious?! I was just telling my husband the other day that there is a market for EVERYTHING and this proves it! I usually have a snarky remark for these Pinterest Nightmares but this is just. . . sad. I can’t even imagine what kind of conversation you have with your kid- “Honey, mommy hated the way she looked-,” “But mommy I look like you,” “I know and when you’re older you can get plastic surgery too.” WOW!!
Wow. That makes me want to throw up a little.
OMG, no. I kept waiting for the punchline. Wow. That may be the best/worst Pinterest Nightmare ever. It makes me sad that that book exists. I’m speechless. And slightly nauseous. (But not too nauseous to finish this wine and cookie…) xo
Wow. Who knew there was a market for this book? Kinda makes me feel like anything could get published….
if people want to get plastic surgery, that’s their business, but mothers getting plastic surgery really angers me. it’s like, seriously, you don’t have anything at all better to do (change diapers, play with your child, teach your children self-respect) than to fix your nose or botox your lips? like cmon people. get over yourselves and try to build some self-confidence.