I get along with 2 out of 3 magical creatures just fine. I’m not talking unicorns here.( I mean, who can’t handle a unicorn?) No, I’m talking about the magical creatures who visit your children at holiday times or for special events. You know,THE BIG THREE: Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, & The Tooth Fairy.

(Please don’t ask where The Elf on the Shelf is in the above list. I despise him. He irritates me to no end with constant demands for attention every. single. day. Pinterest suggests that I let him wreck up my house by making snow angels in flour or have him toilet paper my Christmas tree. Yeah, antics like that are never going to win my favor. He makes my daughter cry and ruins my Christmas card pictures. At the end of the day, his whole purpose in life is to be a creeper in my house and rat out my kids—and they are the ones who actually like him! He’s a damn jerk. He is not fit to be associated with The Big Three and I refuse to count him when tallying up my record with magical creatures.)

 

Santa and I have a good relationship. He’s totally jolly and brings things to kids all over the world. You can track him via NORAD so he’s even kept up with technology and today’s times. Impressive. I’ve seen him in person and, except for one time that he kind of smelled like whiskey and complained about his bursitis acting up (true story), he’s always been perfectly kind and sweet. Plus, have you SEEN the stuff he brings by on Christmas Eve?! It’s much better stuff than I ever give my kids. He’s a hero.

The Easter Bunny and I are also buddies. He’s adorable and fluffy. He brings baskets full of chocolate that you can eat without guilt at 7:30 in the morning. He leaves behind brightly colored, sugary Peeps which taste more horrible than anything with marshmallow has a right to taste [Honestly, I am shocked and saddened by this revelation, because everyone knows that Peeps are delicious-Ashley], but they are *so* cute! Even better, he delivers Cadbury Crème Eggs right to my house without fail. How can you not love a creature who will do all that?! He’s even got a fun and mischievous side because the rascal hides our dyed eggs-sometimes so well we can’t even find the stragglers for days! A creature with that much personality is always welcome at our house!

But it all starts to fall apart when you bring The Tooth Fairy into things. It’s not that I don’t respect her gig. It’s not glamorous, but it’s necessary. She’s kind of like the medical waste container at your doctor’s office. Our little ones leave her actual pieces of their bodies that have fallen right out of their heads, and she not only whisks the grizzly things away, she generally leaves monetary compensation for them. That’s fair. Now, I’m not sure what she does with them afterward (and I’m not sure I want to know), but she’s providing a service of sorts. I don’t fault her for that.

Here’s my problem: Santa and The Easter Bunny are kind enough to let me know when they will be arriving each year well in advance. They understand the value of courtesy and manners. The Tooth Fairy obviously never read Emily Post because she has NO PROBLEM showing up on my doorstep with little or no warning. It’s really quite rude if you think about it.

It happens without fail. Five minutes before bedtime just as you are getting ready to see if Cee Lo is going to wear white or red satin lounging pajamas on The Voice, your child bursts into your room holding a bloody tooth high in the air triumphantly and declares that The Tooth Fairy will be making an appearance in her room that very night!

WHAT??? What kind of magical creature makes plans to come to my house right before bedtime when I haven’t been to the ATM in a week, and I’m already in my nightgown? The rude and unwelcome kind! It happens every time!

Yes, you could say that I should keep my house and my wallet ready for company when I know that my child has a loose tooth, but that’s asking a lot. Lucy is the kind of kid who will have a tooth hanging on by a sliver of gum and a wish for two weeks before she decides she’s ready to part with it. It’s too stressful for me to live in that kind of Code Red atmosphere for days on end. Sooner or later I end up dropping my guard and using the cash set aside in my wallet for a latte at Starbucks.

As if her lack of etiquette isn’t enough, The Tooth Fairy has actually forgotten to come to our house more than once. I’m not kidding. She came faithfully to Bobby’s room every single time he lost a tooth way back in the day, but the Tooth Fairies of today are not as conscientious. They must have decreased the training requirements because not once but TWICE over the years, Lucy has woken up only to see her gross tooth and broken dreams staring back at her from under her pillow.

Unacceptable! The only thing more inconsiderate than a visitor who shows up without warning is one who says they are coming and then never bothers to show up!

Now, The Tooth Fairy did always arrive the following nights to retrieve the teeth. She had notes for Lucy decorated with glitter glue and written in an adorable pink font that were filled with excuses and begged Lucy’s forgiveness. I think she even paid double for those semi-forgotten teeth. But really, isn’t that the least she could do since she f-ed up her job?

You know, someone with no sense of etiquette and so little work ethic should really seek out a different sort of career. Maybe Customer Service Rep at a cell phone carrier store or telemarketer perhaps?

Oh, well. I suppose I’m content that I have solid relationships with 2 out of The Big Three magical creatures. It’s not a bad record, really. And while the Tooth Fairy certainly has a thing or two to learn from Santa and The Easter Bunny, at least she’s not the stupid Elf.