I’m so excited one of my favorite shows is BACK. It’s The Amazing Race and if you don’t watch it, what is wrong with you, anyway???? The show features teams of people racing from one city to the next while completing tasks….and the last team to check in at each destination is eliminated. The only way to imagine making The Amazing Race a better show for the viewer is to cast the houseguests America loved to hate, Brendon and Rachel from Big Brother 12 and 13. In case you didn’t catch either one of their seasons in the Big Brother house, let me re-cap them for you…Rachel and Brendon (or Brennan as Rachel inexplicably calls him) fell in love, not like Jeff and Jordan (Amazing Race 16) love mind you, but more like whiny, abusive, childish, crazy, kind of love. According to them, it was love nonetheless, and like any real love, it was going to face some trials, some tests if you will, but these crazy lovebirds weren’t going to let a little Skype get in their way of happiness. I think if you are ever feeling like you want to test your relationship even further to definitely make sure you are ready to spend the rest of your life together, then spending a summer in the Big Brother house followed by an appearance on a show where you will be traveling around the world while racing is definitely a great way to figure whether you have what it takes to go the distance, if you know what I mean.

“Brennan” and Rachel won’t just be racing against themselves mind you, oh no, they are up against ten additional teams who all want that one million dollar check at the end, so the competition will be fierce, and I don’t just mean to see how many spangly, sparkly shirts Rachel will be able to wear.

We got a chance to meet all the teams in the opening episode and as the show played I gtalked with my BFF Lisa, and we definitely formed some opinions of the ones we were seeing. My hubby was watching with me, too, so among the three of us, I feel like we came up with totally sound judgments on what we watched. Honestly, you could probably hire us all to be jury consultants or something. Here are our takes…

Team Married Clowns: What is the saying about clowns? They may be laughing on the outside while crying on the inside? Well in the case of the lady clown, she believes in wearing her heart on her sleeve, no need to paint her teardrops on, because those babies are real. She cried throughout the whole episode. And when she wasn’t crying, she was whining. Or pulling her luggage, which is a total first for my Amazing Race viewing because normally they all just wear backpacks, but I digress. Bottom line, we are a no on Team Clown.

Team Twin Brothers: One plays in a rock band. One plays soccer. Rocker and soccer. I am sure that didn’t escape the producers minds, but if it did, we are giving it to you now. You’re welcome. They are opposites, but in that good kind of opposite way where they totally still gel. They did not get a lot of screen time, but I think they are perfectly capable of running a good race. And they do seem like the only real potential eye candy. Bottom line, we are a yes on Team Twin Brothers.

Team Joey Fitness: First of all, I just can’t with the name. Let’s be clear, here, we all know that man gave himself that nickname. No one at the gym was like, “Hey, your name is Joey, you seem pretty buff, I think I will call you Joey Fitness.” No. Enough with that nonsense. Secondly, they were obnoxious. Finally, Joey’s best friend and teammate who we call Not Joey Fitness (his real name is something like Danny or Tony) was told by his mother to learn how to drive a stick shift before he left, but could he be bothered, no he could not. I bet she will totally smack when he comes home…early, of course, because they will no doubt be eliminated on a leg of the race that involves a lot of driving. Bottom line, we are a HELL NO on Team Joey Fitness.

Team Stalker Girlfriend: Chances are, just based on the team nickname I chose for them, you can probably deduce that we are not big fans. The girl is actually proud of the fact that she basically stalked her man the whole time he was married, forced him to get a divorce, then got herself married, got herself a divorce and now they are shacked up together. GROSS. I pretty much stopped paying attention to their story after that, and I honestly don’t even remember how they placed in this first episode, except I know it wasn’t last, which would have been perfectly fine by me. Bottom line, we are a No Means No on Team Stalker Girlfriend.

Team Lifelong Friends: Picture this scene. Two grown men who have been friends their whole lives. Bopper and Mark. They may not have a lot of money, but what they lack in funds, they make up for in dreams. Big dreams, dreams of traveling the world together, at super fast speeds, fast enough to bring home a check large enough to feed their families for life. I know, right? I am crying even as I type it. They may stumble, one of them may get car sick before they even make it to the airport, but golly gee willikers, they are not going to be stopped. Bottom line, we are a PLEASE BABY JESUS GIVE THEM THE MONEY YES on Team Lifelong Friends.

Team Marine Alpha Male Power: The wife is named Rachel. Oh yes, America, there are two Rachels this season. I can hardly wait to see what Big Brother Rachel thinks of this. I am pretty sure she is used to be the only Rachel in the room and based on what I saw of this blond Rachel, I have a feeling she feels the same way. It could get ugly folks. The Marine husband leaves a lot to be desired for me personally. I am sure there are plenty of people who find his take charge attitude kind of sexy like, but for me it makes me feel like at any second he could backhand me and tell me to get back in the kitchen. Have I seen the movie “The Great Santini” too much? Maybe. Bottom line, we are a Sir, NO, Sir on Team Marine Alpha Male Power.

Team Cousins: They are cousins. From the south. Maybe Mississippi. Could be Alabama. Mostly, just remember that they are cousins. And even though they like lipstick and eye shadow just as much as the next girl, they aren’t afraid to get dirty either, because apparently in the south that is what we do? They seem sweet, perhaps not the brightest bulbs in the pack, but definitely the types of girls you would not find yourself actively rooting against. Bottom line, we are a Fair to Middlin’ on Team Cousins.

Team Border Patrol: Imagine if your job was to be a border patrol agent for the go old US of A. It would be like super scary and really hard, right? Probably a lot of life or death situations. Or in the case of these guys, you would ride around on what essentially looked like beach buggy four-wheelers patrolling to coast of California and talking about how bad-ass you are. You know who is bad-ass? Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys. These guys kind of seemed more like the fathers in my daughter’s 2nd grade class, but less friendly. And based on their inability to pay attention to how to crimp the edges of an empanada, I cannot say that I feel as though the borders of our great nation are all that secure with these two at the helm. Bottom line, we are a no on Team Border Patrol.

Team Lady Feds: Two law enforcement teams this season. Are they afraid for the safety of their contestants or the safety of the people they will be coming into contact with as they travel around? Seems kind of heavy-handed to me, but I have seen two entire summers of Brennan and Rachel in the Big Brother house, so better safe than sorry I suppose. These two women did not get a lot of screen time in this episode, but they finished right in the middle of the pack, so the jury is still totally out on them. Bottom line, I had to ask Lisa who they were when it is was all over, so I guess we are a Wait and See on Team Lady Feds.

Team Lady Golfers: Oh, Misa and Maiya. What can we say girls? Maybe if your parents hadn’t insisted on spelling your names like that, things could have been different for you? I don’t know. I do know this, though, when the host of the show is standing on the finish mat and he can see you, but you can’t see him, you should probably think about getting an eye exam. I realize that having to wear glasses could impede your ability to affix that fancy flower in your hair, but it could also keep you from being the first team eliminated in a race for a million dollars. Bottom line, this team lost, so I think it is obvious where we stand on Team Lady Golfers.

Team Brenchel: I’ll tell you this much, Rachel sure wasn’t going to let wearing a very heavy backpack get in the way of her fashion statement. Sure, she gave in a sported a pair of leggings, but not before pairing it with a super fancy, very sparkly green sequined tunic and belt combo that I am pretty sure Emma would snatch right off the rack of the nearest Justice store if I would let her one inch near one. By Rachel and Brendon standards, this was a fairly tame episode for them, but based on the previews alone, we all know the good stuff is coming. Oh yes, it is coming. I think it helped that they did not actually have to spend a tremendous amount of time together in the episode, which greatly cut down on the possibility of Brendon berating her for no apparent reason and her crying incessantly about why he doesn’t love her, but I am sure CBS is planning some sort of challenge where they are locked together for hours on end just so that we get those kind of fireworks. Bottom Line: SPLIT DECISION! Emphatic YES to Rachel (she is spunky and will rock the challenges) but equally emphatic NO WAY to “Brennan” (who was okay tonight, but we know is overly controlling and self absorbed).

There you have it folks. This little exercise has proven to me what I already knew to be true, but now can say for sure…those Television Without Pity recappers rock the free world!